Bullied

Went to take blood from a patient.  Mr J.S,   56 y/o gentleman present with status asthmaticus.  He is now stable. 

K: Hi,  I'm D,  a junior intern.  I came here to take your blood.  Sorry to disturb your dinner.
J: nahh,  you are fine. 

*busy preparing stuffs*

J: are you okay?
K: I'm grand! :D
.... And then I couldn't get the vein on the first try.  Sobsss but he was a very friendly man! Keep on saying -  you are okay,  take your time,  you will find it,  we need to learn,  don't say sorry (since I say that a lot lately) :(

And then I go and check on the other arm. 

And he suddenly said this, "your boss is a bully"  (boss=consultant)

Erk.  Hurm. 
I told him,  she is not.  She is just like that.  But he keeps on saying I know bullies.  They are a group of people who had been bullied while they are in training and then later,  they started bullied others.  It is a cycle.

I'm just do my job and listening him talking about bullied and smile.  That's the least I can do. 

I don't know if I'm really been bullied or if I am that weak.  I got patients saying are you a nurse.  Lols.  Nak jadi doktor dah ni,  tak ada muka doktor ke aku ni.  Lols. 

To be honest.  I'm gonna finish med school in less than 6 weeks.  Amin insyAllah! And to be fair, they are expecting you to be on your feet in July. (since intern starts working in July here) So,  it means you need to act fast in diagnose, plan, management.  Not just taking bloods (which I am very good at.  Lols)

So,  for the sake of patients,  I need to be competent and able to make quick decisions. 

Competency. 

I have no problem with patients.  I looooveeee talking with patients! I loooveee taking history and examination on them (given that they are not cranky.  Lols) but I have problem with consultant, sho,  intern etc.  I have problem answering their questions. I have problem present to them. And I don't know why. 

Got bad luck lately (bukan.  Allah nak ajar tuh, dear. It is a good luck actually.  Dapat jumpa urostomy bag! Hehe. ) Taking complicated patients and consultant pun naik pening.  What to do. It's happens. -_-'

Kena bully ke tak.  It is part of learning.  Dekat sekolah dulu pun asyik kena bully.  Well not really,  it is just helping.  Don't you think so?

Help vs bully.

I don't know.

Betulkan niat. Lillahita'a.  InsyAllah dapat pahala. 

Time kerja? One at a time.  When time comes,  time comes. 

P/s Corrib River.  A walk to remember.  #koyak

Patho Lab
14 Jamadilakhir 1437H
1353

Sinners

Sabda Nabi SAW

كُلُّ بَنِي آدَمَ خَّطَّاءٌ وَخَيْرُ الْخَطَّائِينَ التَّوَّابُونَ
Setiap anak Adam sering bersalah, dan sebaik-baik yang bersalah adalah yang bertaubat.

(Ibn Majah kitab az-Zuhd bab dzikrit-taubah no. 4251, Sunan ad-Darami kitab ar-Riqaq bab fit-Taubah no. 2727, Musnad Ahmad bab hadits Anas Ibn Malik. No. 13072)

Mengaku jiwa seorang hamba. #koyak

I am just one. The reason behind I can't keep too many relationships. I am just one.

I have one belated birthday present waiting to be posted and I have one letter, half way written waiting to be finished. And I have medical books that need to be read. I have patients that I need to talk too. I have many histories that I need to present.

In the end, I am just a weak creature. Hanya seorang hamba. Tak mampu penuhi semua tuntutan.

6 weeks more.
Fighting!
In need of courage to face the scary consultants. Too many negativity in MAU. Rosak mood. Asyik lari je.
I should just do it. Face it, dear.

As time goes by, you realized that you have changed. I am used to become a risk taker. Pantang dicabar. I am clearly remembered during the days in theater when this particular anesthetist (consultant) said to me, 'where is your tools, doctor?' Haih, perli la tuh tak bawak stets masuk theater. And dia pernah jugak cakap, 'I know you have a beautiful face, but don't you think you should do something?' amboiii, consultant ni. Well, the more he said those stuffs yang menyakitkan hati, the more I love to stick around him. Hahah. And yes, I did that for the whole 1 week.  Masuk theater purposely looking for him and there was one day, I told him, "see, I bring  my stets!" lols.

Those were just few months ago. 

But, those days when you are that brave, hurm, not anymore? 

You kind of becoming more reserve especially when someone compete with you.

The last 3 weeks, were tough enough. I hate being judged (ke perasaan je?) and compete with others. Jiwa sudah tua. Tak larat nak bertanding. Datang untuk belajar. I am just another human being. Dulu rasa ala-ala superhero. Lols. Sekarang, sedar diri ini sekadar hamba yang hina. 

 
To my dear brother,
I am sorry for not being a good sister. :(

Helpless. Because the only help you can ask from is only Him, Allah, The Almighty.

Badan aku hanya satu.
Wahai tuhan, jagakan dia untuk aku.
Jagakan dia.
Jagakan mereka.
Agar tidak hanyut dengan dunia penuh durjana dan fitnah.


2346
Istisyhad
4 Jamadilakhir 1437H

What keeps you going?

During post surgery ward round today, 
An elderly man hold the surgeon's hand and said thank you with tears rolling down the cheeks. 
Manly tears.

That kind of patient keeps me going.

Later that day,
A wife with background history of amputation above the knee on the left side complains of pain on the right leg. She had just lost her husband due to cancer.  She is grieving and giving  up on her life.  She starts smoking again. 

The registrar came. And after listening to her and her daughter's complaints,  he said,
"I believe your husband in a better place.  And do you know what your husband want you to do? "
With low voice she said,  walking.
" yes! Walking! Go back on your feet.  Use your prothesis leg and walk! Even after you fall,  stand up and walk. Do it for your husband's sake at least"

That kind of doctor keeps me going.

Maybe that is the sign from above,  from Him,  The Almighty. 

Don't give up even other people make your life trouble,  miserable,  difficult.
Don't give up even other people is smarter than you. 
Don't give up even you can't answer simple questions. 

Just continue.
If it is not for your own sake,  at least for the sake of those patients who are in "war",
At least for the sake of those doctors who have lots of audit,  bloods to take,  ECG,  discharge letter,  and other odd jobs other than diagnosing people,
At least for the sake of people who are waiting for you at home,  Malaysia,
At least for the sake of your parents,

You (Read=I) are self-sacrificing,  I know.  But that's what you do best.
I saw one picture in Instagram asked,  describe one word about you. 
For me,  self-sacrifice.
I can't find other better word that can describe myself.
Hurm,  maybe skema. 
Ok.  Enough of those negativity. I need more positive vibes here!

"Cancel,  cancel,  go away gone"

Never stop. 
It is not an easy road, but it is not impossible either. 

If you said, "hey,  you are a final year student but you still have time to write blog post.  And yet you said you have lots to study. (tone Malaysia sangat)."  Get lost,  I don't need negative people here.  *maghah makngah.  Lols*

Well,  true story.  I know some people loves to comment on other people's life.  But believe me,  we have a different needs. I don't mind if you want to tell me to reduce my time on blog because I need to study.  (well,  in which,  I don't) or you kind of concern that I get carried away with blog. Seriously, I don't mind if you are concern about me,  but please don't judge.  Tell me what goes wrong and what can I improve and PLEASE guide me and never give up on me.  I have troubled changing my lifestyle.  Lols.  But serious.  It is not easy to change your old habit.
 
Emo? A bit.  I am a slave with full of sins and thousands of weaknesses.  Please bear with me.

So,  what keeps me going?
Hope and Love. 

7 weeks to finals.
Istisyhad
2334
23 Jamadalawwal 1437H

P/s missing the road trip.  Feeling like want to run away.  Hurm.  I should consider uzlah in the next few days.  I am really should.