Escape death

Assalamualaikum and hi!

It has been quite some time since my last post. No, i am not gonna shut this blog down. It is just....... Okay, another excuse. 'Being busy' lols. Typical me.

Anyway, my pregnancy journey worth to keep here. To remind future me, my 13 years old son later on and my husband. To remind us how we escape death. (well, it doesn't sounds right as we know no one can escape death, it is a fate. But in our case, with our limited knowledge, compare to Allah's, obviously, we see it as we did escape death with His Ar Rahman)

So here it is,

I survived complete placenta previa (also known as Grade 4 Placenta Previa) at 38 +4  weeks pregnant.

And yes, i have go through C-Sec, but no, it is not elective. It was emergency c-sec.

I don't want to write how they missed the placenta previa, or how they treat me initially, no, i don't want to have any blame game here. I am still alive, baby is healthy and all of us are grateful for that.

Enough.

But what I want to write is my pregnancy journey. Flashback to 9 months earlier. So that we remember how grateful we are.

We just married 11 months ago, 29th January 2017, I was a housewife, not yet a house officer. Lols.
A fulltime housewife. We start our life, living together under one roof in a small apartment. Adjusting phase they said.
Learnt about each other, and still learning actually.
My favourite quote at that time was, "kahwin dahhh, with my classmate" lols.
I can't remember how many times I said that. Because it was still unbelievable.

Anyway, fast forward. I missed my period for few days. And as a graduate from Irish system, we knew folic acid should be consume 3 months before conceive to prevent neural tube defect. It is before. B.e.f.o.r.e.

So, as worried I am, I told my husband about my period, about folic acid yadaa yadaa, and being a cool husband, he brought back home 2 UPT (urine pregnancy test) And being myself who dont care about drama or surprises or yadaa yadaaa,  did the test and asked him to interpret. No, there was no such thing as, surprise, abang! Hahaha but instead, abang, betul ke ni? Ce abang tengok, abang, abang, abang, hahaha

A nagging wife. Oh well. ( and I repeat the test on the next day because I cant believe it I am pregnant!!)

And my husband on the first response was overexcited, whereas I was in shock haha. The decision to have a child as early as possible was our decision, not his alone. But we didnt expect this soon. So, Alhamdulillah. All praise to Him, The Almighty.

So, thats it. I am pregnant. Did the necessary thing, made a booking visit, open the pink book, etc

And alhamdulillah my first trimester experienced was uneventful, still managed to cook, did the housework, no vomiting, just i cant tolerate rice as much as before. Thats it.

Then later,  16 weeks pregnant, I started as a HO, and it also means we were going to start a long distance relationship (LDR) It was in our plan.  and Alhamdulillah so far everything worked as plan. Eventhough it was a bit difficult.

We both admitted LDR wasnt easy. But we both tried very hard to make it possible. There were times I was too emotional (blame the pregnancy hormones. Lols) there were times I was being too attached to him. But at the end, I know I need to be strong. And he is always there whenever I need.

Starting in surgical department as my first posting wasnt a bad idea at all. It was indeed tiring. Both emotional and physical. I defaulted my antenatal appointment for 6 weeks. Went to private clinic only when he came down to meet me. I know I shouldnt do that. But this profession drained sooo much of my energy.  -alasan. Hahah. Eh betul la.

Anyway, I survived 4 months in surgical department, without extension and created beautiful memories. And friends of course. So, thats my second trimester and Alhamdulillah uneventful, my little boy grow healthy in my tummy, no complaint at all, except mild anaemia. Oh well, my baseline Hb was always low. Lols.

Then, lets move to third trimester. Means, lets move to another department. Medical. At first, it was okay, but slowly I feel easily tired. Back in second trimester, I survived not eating the whole day until midnight. I survived not sleeping at all during oncall.

But not this third trimester. Thank God, medical posting wasnt too bad, got time to eat maaa, haha. And I was very good with my antenatal appointment except the last one.

Back to this third trimester. Again, nothing much to complaint. Until 37 weeks, I started to have minimal pv bleed. Went to the hospital, treat as show with Os open 1cm.

I still had to do oncall that week. And my request not to do oncall was only granted on the following week. So, yeap, I did my oncall up until 38 weeks.
And decided to do more walking and up and down the stairs, to make it easy for labour. Had few minor contractions here and there but bearable. We did aim for labour that weekend but it didnt happened.

A week later, I missed my antenatal appointment, decided to go to private clinic to make up the missed one.

It was my off day, but I was too lazy to get out from bed that morning. So, I decided to go later but suddenly I cant start my car and needs to wait for someone to check it. It turned out the car was ran out of battery and need to change to the new one.

My sister came over and asked for a sisters-time. So we did dropby at the clinic, but they didnt accept patients anymore until tonight. Alright, so lets go eating! Yeah. And my husband passed his assessment that evening.  Alhamdulillah.

That night, I went to the clinic again. Alone. And thats how I know I have placenta previa. And I know I need to be admitted that night with possibility of operation at that night. 

Mix feelings. Shock. Scared. Alone.

Called my husband on the way home. Non stop crying.

The rest of the story as usual. Admitted. Start fasting, for op on the next day, he flew on first flight at early morning, and here came the beautiful lil boy. Tadaaaa.
(he inserted my branulla, urine catheter, and being the most wonderful husband I could even ask for)

I hate doing 'if' games, but this one is exceptional. To make us becoming more grateful.

1. If I didnt miss my appointment, they might continue the same plan and wait until 40 weeks for the next scan

2. If I didnt go and check, I might die of hypovolaemic shock due to bleeding when I have a stronger contraction

3. If I went to the clinic earlier, there is a chance that my husband wouldnt make it

4. If the car didnt break down, I might go to the clinic earlier, which brings to the problem at no 3 and my husband wouldnt able to complete his assessment

5. If I continue doing on call on that week, my baby and I in huge danger

6. If they detect that earlier, it might jeopardize my contract. I might have problem working in the future, as I might need to be warded earlier/in bed rest

The biggest escape was the hypovalemic shock part.

Just google the complications of placenta previa and you will know how dangeraous it is - both to the mother and child. Especially during term.

Dear future me,
Be grateful. You are still alive.
Allah gives you time to repent.
And it is a miracle that you are still alive, baby Khalish is healthy.
Please, be a good servant. Jangan tangguh solat, baca Quran hari-hari. Sedekah regularly, zikir and remember Allah during both senang dan susah.

Dear Khalish,
You are a miracle to both of us. Remember, Allah ada. He will take care of you whenever, wherever you are. Dont be afraid. Tegakkan kebenaran. Do good. Whatever difficulties that you have face, we might unable to help you, but pray harder, InsyAllah Allah will show you the way.
Look how Allah has taken care of you while you are in my womb, insyAllah He will take care of you while you are in this wild world.
Have faith, dear. Have faith.

Love,
Ummi and Abah.

Dear my husband,

Thank you for being the most supportive,loving husband and father. Thank you for everything. May Allah bless you, dear! and whatever happens, we will stay strong together. Have faith. Trust.We will make this marriage works and together we will reunited in Jannah. Amin!  

Day 14 of life
Day 14 post emergency LSCS
Placenta previa survivor
15 November 2017
2203

December!

Salam and hi!

Trying hard to write few posts but I deleted them. Why? I don't know. There are things that you should just keep inside your mind. There are things that you shouldn't share with the world. There are things that just remained as it is. Terkubur di telan zaman.

Am I getting wiser? Maybe.

Anyway, so hello December! 2016 almost come to an end. So, here I am at home, being a 'housewife', enjoy my holiday to the fullest, working part-time from home. So, I stopped working with my Dad at his clinic, and do what I do best - working at home.

For the last few weeks, trying to figure out what I can do and analyze my strength and weakness. SWOT analysis. Application of knowledge. Lols.

Currently working hard for my design studio. If you are still remember White Rose Design Studio (since 2013, well, I did post about it longggg time ago) Alhamdulillah, it is growing. And already signed an 'agreement' for joint venture with other studio. End of January for an official one. So far, prepare for the big day. Exciting. Which studio? jeng jeng, wait and see.

Few other big projects coming, publishing paper for my long overdue research -_-', author for a medical website, accepting few orders for designing banners, house chores since I am staying at home for free, soooo I need to do some household job la kan? lols. (jadi housewife pun penat. huhu)

That's pretty much my not-so-busy life. Including reading my overdue list of books. on personal development and some medical books to refresh my knowledge.

So, other personal related issues? Well, who says if your life stagnant means you don't have any challenge. Hidup senang pun ada ujian okayyyy. But let it be between me and God, Allah. Dah tuh awat mention? You just create curiosity from readers, okay, author. Haha. Lols,


Just listening to a talk in IKIM radio saying about hasad, (jealousy) and 'ain disease (penyakin ain). He says that all human being are created with hasad. but how they manage with hasad that makes each one is different. He also mention that you can share your nikmah i.e telling the world about what you have, what you get, but ready to take the risk of hasad. There are few ayah in the Quran about hasad but I don't know from which surah. Need to do more digging but this is not the first time I heard about this. Hence, be careful what you share and to whom you share.

So, author, are you now being skeptical towards readers? Lols, To be honest, I don't know how many people still reading blog, I know my fellow classmates and PPG Farah, Mirah, Mau and Bella. and only a very small number of unknown IP address. So, the answer to the question is NO, I'm not being skeptical but I'm being careful. Taqwa. Because whatever I wrote here will be asked during the judgement day. I can still write about my opinion, yada yadaa as long as not against Islam.


To be fair, it is not that easy not to share the joy, the news, etc, and in fact it is not wrong in Islam. We are advisable to share our nikmah! About the risk? We can't control other people's emotion or wish or prayers or etc That's why it is important to know who is your friend. and it is important to always pray pray pray to the owner of the heart, Him, The Almighty, Ya Muqalibal Qulb. Ask from Him the protection, only He can protect us. Even if you don't tell other people about your life, your nikmah etc, there must be someone who knows, you can't hide it for too long. We are not living in a cave, no internet yadaa yadaaa. People might take our photos and tag us on Facebook or rumors. So, the only way to do is pray to Him, to protect us from penyakit 'ain, hasad.

You can search more on Youtube, Just google Penyakit 'Ain.

Just a snippet. Find more on Youtbe.

May Allah protect us from this, hasad, and His anger. Amin.

p/s my classmates gossip about me in our whatsapp group and I don't know how to respond. Lols. You guys are just soooo straight forward. I loike. But I'm sorry I don't know what to do. Lols. Doa yang baik-baik ajaaaa.

Lot 2740

3 Rabiulawwal 1438H
2222

Med School Life (Part 2)

Salam and hi!

As promised, second and last part of the journey. You can read first part here.

2014

Hello clinical year! I should be at home for 3 months holiday tapi gatal tangan, I applied for summer research. Extra money beb, haha. Oh well, dah every summer kena bayar 200 euro for resit exam, I need money okay plus duit hilang dulu. Huhu.

So, that summer, I spent amazing days with amazing orthopedic team. Alhamdulillah managed to publish the case report but still trying to publish the paper (up until today. My supervisor is nice but scary. He just emailed me few days ago asking about publishing the paper! Hey, it has been 2 years okay. Menghantui. Lols) Anyway, it was a great experience, people called me DR. (kuat berangan time ni. Haha) 

Apart from that, it was a tough year emotionally. This was the year I was involved in relationship which I am bad in it. There were ups and downs but alhamdulillah I can say we survived that year.

Welcoming 4th year! New things to learn. I passed most of the modules in first semester but it wasn't 100% anyway, need to include case report etc. So, let's see the following year.

amazing team during summer research - OT MGH,2014

my playground- MGH,2014

2015

I enjoyed studying O&G, paeds, GP and psych. But it was a lot in a year! So, again, resit. Almost all modules, except OSCE. Sigh. Maybe I do love talking. Ehehs. 

 Went for viva earlier because it was borderline mark. It was scary. 4 examiners - 2 internal, 2 external from UK. Susah okayy soalan. I hate viva. Lols. and true enough, I didn't make it.

Received a warning email from med school telling me I have last chance to continue medicine. Debar tuh tak payah cakap. Fear of failure creeping me again. I didn't tell anyone about the email except Him, The Almighty. Hope vs Fear, you decide. So, I choose Hope. 

This time was different than before. I was stronger both emotion and mental. I seek for help. Number of classmates help us. They arranged online tutorials, shared notes, tips, past year questions etc. Alhamdulillah. I'm grateful to have them and my partner in 'crime' Jasmin. We do MCQ for GP EVERYDAY through Skype. Epic. Memang memorable betul la.


And Alhamdulillah I made it.

So, hello final year! Excited! First semester was okay. I passed my first semester exam. This time I'm pretty sure I passed. To be honest, I love final year first semester. The coolest team ever - Omar, the Canadian, Mico, the philipino, and Chichi, the Nigerian. Sooo international okayyy. Hardworking boleh tahan. I did enjoy my time with them. Any challenges? Ujian? Yes, the relationship part again. Lols. Begitulah hidup. Haha.

Omar, Chi chi, Mico, dream team 1.0 - OT, 2015

the study group for 2 years. *love*

2016

Second semester was more like junior intern. They expect us to be like an intern. Do all the intern job. Blood, prescribe, ECG etc. Lots of self studying. It was okay apart from kena marah. Sumpah memang akan ingat. That Huntington patient with inquiry for stroke. Medical student doing the referral to stroke team? Yeah, that’s me. Med student request for CT scan. Yeah, that's me. All without supervision. She just arah me to do it by MYSELF. For the first time. Since then, I hate MAU and her. Haha. Anyway, old story. She taught me to become more head-strong, ask for help, etc Ala HO kat Malaysia lagi teruk kena marah. I think now I have hati kering. Preparing me for future I guess.

I love surgery or anything that have definite stuffs like organizing, administrating, etc. but not medicine which so confusing, end up the patient come back again because they are still smoking or not compliance to medication or poor access to healthcare or not attending OPD etc. In general medicine, we can't treat the patient properly if the healthcare system that we are living in is not supportive or not accommodative.


Back to 2016 stories, if you read my previous previous post, I did mention about forgive myself yadaa yadaa. So, I was so panicked during the long case, and I did poorly in it. I thought I would cover it up with my short case and theory papers. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. It comes separately.

In long case, there was a patient with community acquired pneumonia with no co morbidity. It was pretty straight forward case. The examiner said I present it well, but I did poorly in my discussion part. They asked about fluid and oxygen management (though they want to know about CURB 65, geeee. I have prepared that okayy) There are no definite management for fluid (I learnt this during extended rotation) but well things happened, the examiner want to hear what inside his mind. I don't like the surgeon examiner. (haha)

Anyway, I was called for viva the evening after my short case. Urgh. Panic attack stroked again. 5 people in a room and me alone. I think I did fairly well about hyperkalemia management not until they asked on mechanism of ACE inhibitor. Heyyy, I thought they want to ask only management. Geee. And the surgeon asked about post-opt AAA patient with endoleak. I couldn’t figure out on endoleak. Sobs sobs. But I said about shock tho. Huhu. The external examiner asked on MI, Alhamdulillah managed to answer all his questions and ECG interpretation. What an experience! 

And later that very same day, I received a call saying I didn't pass. Everything happened so fast - sat for exam in the morning, got a call from med school in the afternoon, two hours later went to the hospital for viva, few hours after that received a call I failed. So, here it goes, an extension rotation. Sobs. Heartbroken? Yes. Depress? Hurm not really. Maybe a little. Need to cancel my trip to Egypt and going back to Malaysia instead. For a week.


Went to see the Prof with my brother by my side and go through all the marks. The school was wondering why I didn't pass my long case given that I have a pretty high marks for the other modules - my short case and the paper. To be honest, I love my short cases. All examiners were very nice and helpful and it was only 6 minutes each station anyway. It was on Aortic Stenosis, RA, Sepsis, Vanc prescription, radiology CT brain extradural haemorrhage, ankle fracture, lung collapse, and COPD (hate this station. Huhu)


So, things happened. There you go 2 months extension. Went to Swiss and Italy with Kak Yanti, and went back to Malaysia for a week before the rotation starts. Well, balik Malaysia for another drilling session with my sister who is now a specialist oncologist. Boleh tahan la drill dia. But it was good.

enjoy each moment lols

while waiting for tutorials.lols, - comerford,2016

During the extension, went to UK number of times given that my parents were here for my brother's graduation. Banyak kali juga la tuang. Lols. But heyyy I did extra work okay. I went for oncall, scrub in, etc.

Learnt a lot in these 2 months since it was a very personal training. The tutors were very close to us. How much I hate MAU before had turned to love. Because of the people. Gituuu. Indeed, the place doesn't mean anything if there are no one there to make it meaningful.

The consultant and the team in MAU were different than before. This time, everyone in the team received an email saying medical students are coming and we are the special one. They gave a very special attention too. -_-" In fact, they were so curious how come we failed (see, we are not that bad. We are just special) Haha. What to do boss, things happened. Panic is not good. And you know what they did to me after knowing I failed because I was so panic, they drilled me really hard, bombarded with lots lots lots of questions. Present case, not a problem, at the tip of the tongue. Gitu haaa. They do a very good job in overcome my weakness. That's medicine rotation.

after solat. haha. - CSI Prayer Room,2016

Surgical rotation was another story. The surgical tutors were well known for being mean. I haven't experience it but people told me that. Oh well, since I love surgery, I love to challenge myself. Down tak payah cakap la bila kena. They were straight forward. Whatever questions you asked them, they will ask you back. They make you think instead of spoon-feeding. They were mean but in a positive way. Towards the end of the rotation, they were actually very nice. "you know Deejay, if you go in this pace, you will definitely pass, not just pass, but with flying colors"

just before present to GerFlah. *excuse for our obsession on each other. what to do. we are special* ehehs - Comerford, 2016

Then towards the end of rotation, five (or sometimes 6) of us make our own team, we do our own ward round, examine patient by ourselves, exam stimulation. It was so great. Fefeling doctor. Haha. Having classmates as intern make our life soooo much easier. Whenever we saw them, "do you have interesting patient?" lols.


So, the actual exam came. For long case, I got a cellulitis patient with venous ulcer on background of diabetes. The examiners were Prof O'Brien and Ms Malone (heard she was scary, but luckily she was super nice during exam) So, they asked about why they keep the patient, type of ulcer, management of cellulitis, management of venous ulcer, pathophysiology of venous ulcer, Marjolin ulcer, diabetes medications, COPD as she has that. Overall, I did well. (because it is a surgical case. Lols)


Then, I have not-so-short case, (depa suka je tambah-tambah exam), a patient with pontine stroke. Hoho. Sumpah tak tahu pontine stroke. Tahu la stroke. Anyway, they asked me to examine, do neuro exam, asked about innervation of the lips, do speech exam, asked about causes of stroke, do CVS exam, interpret ECG, management of Afib. It was 15 minutes or more in that particular patient. It was horrible. Trust me. The two examiner were so weird? They were being too helpful until my brain stop working. Lols. I don't like the case at all anyway. 

The patient has a bit of articulation problem, muscle, but speech center was fine. I want to say that but the examiner cut me off saying he has normal speech. Ouh alright. Then the ECG part, it was irregular and haywire, though A.Fib but I can see the P wave. Hence, I said there was P wave. Damn. The pulse was not that easy to figure out if A.Fib. I try to listen with my stets, but sound normal. Again, I was screwed. The patient has one sided pronator drift. Though about cerebellum. The examiner asked on symptoms for pontine stroke. Weyy, function of pons pon lupa okayyy. (sila Google sekarang) Again, another screwed.

A pontine stroke is a stroke that occurs in the pons, which is a portion of the brain stem. The pons is located between the midbrain and medulla. Its function is to relay messages between the cerebral hemispheres and cerebellum.- ref

The positive part - I answered correctly about the causes of stroke, management of A.Fib, I examined correctly the neuro system, speech, and CVS.

It was horrible. Went back home, cried. Waiting for Jasmin to go back. She was after me. Was talking to her, complaining etc, then suddenly we received a call from med school saying we pass!!! We did sujud syukur immediately and going crazy! Hahah. All five of us passed the exam. Alhamdulillah. Despite the horrible exam, huhu, Allah is soooo generous. Everything happened so fast! And later that day we went out for celebration. The feelings MasyaAllah, relief, feels like a huge burden has been lift up from our shoulders.

our dream team 2.0 _ Josh, Max, Jen, DJ, Ashley and Min. Our first celebration. The day of exam (& result!) -High Cafe, 2016

our third celebrations? lols. Play Name It Game in the middle of cafe. haha. Gourmet Tart Cafe, Salthill, 2016 

adios eire! beannacht, Éire, dublin airport,2016

____________________________________________________________________

So, there you go my life journey in med school. Not included in this are - how my family supports me, my bestfriend PPG, him, my studygroup mate, my Galwegians family, my UK and Ireland family, other important people in my life and this blog. All those give me a huge impact. Not to mention the One and only, Allah. How He brings me through all those hardship, to become a better servant. Amin.

For time being, meh la berbakti pada ibu bapa. After 13 years staying away from home. Separuh umur weyyy. (5 years in high school, 2 years in college, 6 years in university) Hurm. Cukup solehahkah aku, Mami Papa?

Hence, answering to my busy schedule even though jobless/half-employed.

Just a kind reminder to myself. Rezeki manusia tak sama. Lain orang lain rezekinya dan kita memang akan diuji, be it in academic,relationship or iman. Have gone through that before. My studies were okay, then suddenly came the relationship challenge. Huhu. But all these happens should bring us closer to Him.


Whatever you do in life, be a good one. :)



1234
12 Muharram 1438H
Lot 2740

Med School Life (Part 1)

Salam and hi!

It has been agesssss (hyperbole) since the last time I wrote here. Oh well, I am busy. Lols. Busy tanam anggur. Haha. JK.

Just joking. For the last 3 months +, there are soooo many life changing events. From being a student to jobless to half employed worker, then from being a caveman (duk gua. Lols) to half-social person (I wouldn't consider myself as social type person) From being single to married (in my dream. Hahah) and the list goes on. It was so hectic with full of roller-coaster emotion here and there. But above all, Alhamdulillah for the blessings from Above.

So, as I said, from a student to jobless, it means Alhamdulillah I'm done with med school! Yay! I have been thinking I should write on my long med school journey. For my future reference, that I have survived. If you are a regular reader or my close friends, you might know what happened in my life for the last 6 years. But I didn't wrote down exactly what happened (but you can guess or assume) as believe it or not I am kind of a private person. Ha ha ha. Yeah, I know.

 So, this time, I'm gonna write a very long post of my 6 years journey. But not so details (I hope. Wink) I do hope you will learn something (apart from knowing more about me. Hahah *perasan*)

So, here it goes! Let's the journey begin! Vroooommm

2010

Alhamdulillah I passed my IB exam with flying colors (I would say) and I have very wonderful memories back in KMB. With PPG by my side, up until today, and counting. My classmates are cool, awesome, unique, name-it. It was all good apart from IB wasn't that easy, but Alhamdulillah I managed and enjoyed every moment as an IB student. (plus, my transition from all girls world to understand the creatures from Mars. Lols)

So, in Sept 2010, I flew to Ireland. The journey took me 3 days (flight delay etc, I have wrote about it back in 2010) It wasn't a smooth sailing. I lost a HUGE amount of money during that journey plus my bank draft for 6 months allowance and it was first day of Syawwal when we first arrived the city. It was horrible. I was very tired emotionally and physically. Not because homesick, but the thought that I broke my mom's heart. Yeah. My parents got angry because I was so careless. I need to manage my financial carefully. Plus, Irish accent wasn't that familiar. And at that time our anatomy lecturer was an Italian which make it worse. I barely understand what he said. It took me a while to grab the knowledge. But it was too late. I need to resit few papers during summer. (3 papers in total, I have friend with 4 or more, but she survived)

creature from Mars

classmates

raya 2010

2011

Summer 2011, I went home and come back early for the exam and back home again for raya celebration. Spent my first summer Ramadhan in Ireland which means longer days. And at that time, we lived in a 'cave'. No one knows we were there. I can't stand and told my cousin (who was working in Dublin). She came down to see me and gave moral support.

After the exam, I bought my first smartphone, considering the result will be out during my journey back to Ireland in September. Later, I clearly remember I checked my result in a bus on the way back to Galway with a thought that I come back as a second year student. Unfortunately, it did't happen. I failed my two out of three modules by only few marks. 2011 was a tough year. I went to see lecturers, thinking about appeal. Attend second year class in denial state that I am repeating first year again. Alone. It took me sometime to accept the fate. (you can read the blog post back in 2011. All the rants, the struggles)

But hey, I passed my anatomy anyway! That's the biggest achievement as most of my classmate repeating that. Huhu.

my small family in Galway during those tough times - 2011

2012

Early 2012, I was still adjusting with the new life, different timetable than my housemates, different life, different class, etc. But Alhamdulillah Allah brings me through it. I have wonderful people around me. My small family in Galway, seniors, friends, juniors, classmates, housemates. 13 of the class repeating the year. We sat together and form a study group. So,yup have been mingle with them for some time. (as the only one Malaysian. Have to)

Thank God we were only repeating the one that we failed, not like RCSI. I'm glad Allah put me in this university. So, it wasn't too bad. It was just the fear of failure got me. Feeling it was like disgrace, unfortunate, and all negative words. But to be honest, I learnt a lot about life. Sekarang boleh la cakap, when it happens, depress mak oi. Lols. 

Anyway, I passed my summer exam and have 3 months of summer holiday, yay!

The 2nd year first semester was okay, adjusting with full timetable (since I have one class per week for a year before!) so, no more waking up late, welcome presentations, assignment, essays! Plus adjusting with extra Malaysians classmates!

new classmates. have been mingle with mat salleh for the whole one year-oh well, we were in a same boat what. ngeee

2013

2nd year was okay initially. I nailed all those killer subjects. Health and Disease (H&D), Drugs and Disease (D&D), and other big modules with huge credits! I love that subject because it was soooo practical and solving problem style. ( I am that type of person) But but but it didn't end there. Life is not like a bed of roses! Indeed, I need to resit 2 small tiny modules. Genetic and Molecular Medicine. For God's sake, to be honest, I don't understand that modules at all. Anyway, redah je laaa. 

Went home for summer and stayed at my sister's house to babysit her son and at the same time taught me about those modules since she was doing her master in Oncology. So, it is kinda related but I still can't make sense of it. After the exam, there was a moment where the unofficial result was release. Bear in mind, I HAVE to pass this exam to continue study medicine. Our university didn't allow to repeat a year twice. 

Back to the unofficial result, it turned out I didn't pass by one mark. So, it means I have to go back home. For good. I felt so down, depress, stress, etc. But I believe there was still hope. (one incident in the past where the IB points change in a night and no one knows how it happened) I keep praying to Allah. Ask for His Guidance and Strength. Only Allah knows how desperate I was. How I really want to stay. How bad I want it. No one knows about those bad days. Not even my parents, or PPG or my housemates. 

Few days later, the official result was out when I was in a friend house. I excused myself and on the way home, at the road side, I checked, and Alhamdulillah I passed! I didn't how it happened, but I passed. I clearly remember I did sujud syukur at that particularly place, ignore the pedestrians, the neighbors, the Irish etc. It was the most wonderful feelings ever! Trust me, you will feel Allah hears you. And yes He is, always.

So, hello third year! Nothing much. Again trying hard, pledge for no more resit and Alhamdullillah I made it.

Raya Haji 2013, presentation day on H&D. Katie was one of the most positive friend I have ever since first year. We have gone through a lot together. All those repeating dramas. Lols - 2013

To be continued.... chee wahhh. Hehe


Lot 2740
12 Muharram 1438H
1143

Never ending life lessons

Sometimes we take things for granted and we thought no one care. But the truth is different people have different way of showing.

During those tough times, I have saw, met, talked, different types of people. I've heard a quote saying you'll know your true friends during your tough times. I'm kinda partially agree, but it is not 100% true.

I learn about it in a hard way and I learn my lesson. Let me tell you.

One of many other stories.

People say girls gossip more. But the truth is both gender gossip. No gender superior to another. So, I know this guy. Well, I rarely talked to guy (or even befriend). Not because I am a feminist Lols. Just because I don't have a reason to talk to them. (boleh terima? Lols)

Anyway, back to this guy. Let's give him a name, Mr X. He is famous in our class as a very friendly guy. And he is belong to a group of man. Hurm, how to put it, a kecoh group? Lols. So, happened to be we were in a same group in faraway (read:peripheral) land for our last rotation. It was near to exam and we were only 5 of us Malaysians and 2 Irish. Hence, we have to work together. I have no problem with him. No at all. But he knows too much about my personal life (which I have no idea where he got it. Never talk to him before). I'm kinda don't like it. But I don't want to make a scene and I don't have any grudge on him. Not at all. Why? Hurm, because I know he is Kecoh group member. Lols. Anyway, I believe the more we discuss about it, the more information leak. So, I decided to keep quiet and only talk about studies or relevant stuffs etc.

Ok. So, when this 'thing' happened, a friend told me, he knew. Well, he is a member of Kecoh group. No surprised. No at all. But this time, I did feel a little bit hurm annoying?. Not just him but anyone else. People talked behind your back and do nothing. Just talked. It hurts. It really hurts. I don't mind people know I have go through this and that, but if you know he or she have go through calamity, as a friend or at least as a brother or sister in Islam, offer your help. Be it as beautiful words, prayers, physical help. Anything! There are so many things you can do. (reminder to myself. But unfortunately, I'm always the last person to know about this stuffs that happens to other people. Hurm. Asyik duduk dalam gua. Memang la. Lols)

So, I thought he was like that until one day, he texted me.

He asked me how am I, how I cope with, and say he will pray for me.

I asked him why he do that, ada orang bagi ceramah ke. Lols. But he said no, he really want to call/text me, but he is just waiting for a right time. He told my friend, he knows how hard I study, how hard I was, based from the 3 weeks rotation, and he was afraid I'm not okay, and couldn't take the news. That's why he wants to wait (until after 3 weeks to text me)

And I'm touched.
I'm wrong. 

This is just one of many other stories, with different people, especially those are dear to me. Family and best friends. Mum told me, "We are caring a lot, in our own ways" 

Indeed, mum, indeed.

Hence, for this Ramadhan resolution: Purify the heart, more husnuzon, ask guidance from Allah. (minta sungguh-sungguh)

Salam Ramadhan, everyone! May Allah accepts our deeds this year and may this year much much much more better than last year. Amin!

91A

1725

29 Syaaban 1437H

Stop having expectations

Lessons to be learnt.


Expectations hurt when it does not meet.

Be it to yourself or to other people.


You expect people to react the way that you want.

You expect people to have the same feeling as yours.

You expect people to do things.

You expect people to say things that you want to hear.


You expect you can achieve that and that.

You expect you can do that and that.

You expect things going on as plan.

You expect.....

You expect....

You expect.....


Too many expectations from a person.

Too many expectations from myself.


Learn to accept the way they are.

Learn to accept the fate.

Learn to accept your ability.

Learn to let go.

Learn to move on.

Learn to understand.

Learn to learn about other people.




A long talk with my sister and she told me this, don't expect he will change to the person you want. You need to accept the way he is. You need to be patience. Never stop loving, never stop knowing him after married.

(oh well, applicable to everything, everyone we know and it is a two way thing. Including your best friends, your friends, studygroup mate, family etc)


Adiós, feelings. Penat ar layan perasaan. Ok. Just joking :P

Adiós, expectations!

Bon voyage, classmates.

Bon voyage, groupmates.

All the best in your future undertaking.


Ola, Prof Kerin, books, MAU, Dr Gallagher, Dr Goulding, Dr Finn,

Class of 2016, you guys will be missed.




1423

16 Syaaban 1437H

Sri Damansara

The day I decide to hide the tears. Ok, just joking #swiss16

I'm lucky to have you in my life. Thank you for lending your shoulders and ears and be there during the tough time.  #whenweseeprof

last day of exam. #beforeeverythngchange

with a very positive classmate and a clingy one. lols. JK. #lastdayofexam

rumah kurning yang suka hijack kak yanti :P #lastdayoftutorial 

bride-to-be. lagi advance dari kakak ni. hoho. #adikakaktalk

last rotation #teamcastlebar

a prompt visit my kesayangan #whenheisnotwell #edin16

break time. team #lectureblock

The dream team - big brother, little brother, little sister #awesometeam

international dinner #team90s

 with Dean School of Medicine #can'tsaygoodbyeyettothisman. hoho

#studygroupmates

It is not the end. It is just the beginning. Hang it there.
Stop having expectations and move on.

Whatever happens, Allah knows, Allah is always there.

Berhenti berharap pada manusia. Kerana tuhan ada.

Breath in!

Salam and hi!

My finals will be in less than 72 hours and here I am blogging. Lols. What to do. As I wrote countless time before. To keep my sanity. (knowing you have thousands things to read and remember -_-')

A friend said, panic will not bring you anywhere.

Indeed, dear friend. Memang tak ke mana.

Among thousand things to keep me calm, writing here is one of it. To remind me, there are so many things to be grateful of. Remind me I have gone through worse. Remind me, this is just another exam. Remind me, this is part of learning. Remind me, life is a learning process. Remind me, we are not define by our academic status. Remind me, you are a Muslim first before a medical student. Remind me who I am.

Yes, I have to do my best in the exam! My ultimate effort goes to it.
Yes, I have to pass.
Yes, I have to study as an ingredient to ask from Allah, The Almighty.
Yes, to all.

Read Quran this morning, and suddenly it was on the page about the Prophet Musa (Moses) , where Allah told Moses to throw his tongkat and it turned to snakes.

Listen to Hijau.fm in between studies, and suddenly a tazkirah was on about Ahzab war a.k.a Khandaq when Allah sends angels and turn the weather (debu and stuffs) and the Muslims won the war.

Two reminders in one day. Allah itu Maha Kuasa. He can do anything in a split second! Kun Fayakun! Looking at the past what I have gone through, should be increase my iman. but............... do you really change to a better? hurm.

To remind me, balance yourself, believe in Allah. Believe in yourself.

Allahu.

So, dear myself,

Study hard. Study smart. Believe in Allah. Pray. Ask from Him,
Allah is The Most Powerful.

Balance.

Regards,
Me

p/s trying to keep calm for the last few days. Mini episode of panic attack, and indeed it is not a nice feeling. but alhamdulillah improving. Trying my best to control emotion. (Now I know myself better that I can't be in panic. It was soooooooo disaster. So, dear future husband, take note :P )


91A
17 Rejab 1437H
2203

On the last day as medical student. Amin! No more school, please. Half of the class - yang muslimin pergi solat jumaat. :D and some have launching thing . So, here is half of us :)

One after another

My friend's mother just passed away today.

She is my classmate.  Final year medical student who has just another 4 months to finish her degree. 

But Allah knows best. 

DariNya kita datang,  kepadaNya jua kita kembali. 

She is in Malaysia at the moment. Just 1 hour late before her mother took her last breath. 

Allahu. 

:(

I don't know if I will ever be ready to let 'go'  of my parents.

Just called home and cried badly. And Papa's response,  "What time is it now? Go and sleep la"  sobss. 

Cukup solehahkah aku untuk mu,  Papa dan Mami? :(

 

Bertubi-tubi peringatan kematian sejak akhir-akhir ini. 
Tidak mengenal usia.

Allahu
Allahu

Berhenti mengeluh,  wahai diri.
Repent.

P/s dan baru sahaja mendapat berita seorang sahabat Irish baru  memeluk Islam.  She is the one who loves to sleep over at our house,  join isoc activities and today Alhamdulillah she is revert. Indeed,  Allah is the best planner. Allahuakbar

P/s this is the picture of my cousin who passed away last November.  May Allah grant both of them with Jannah.  Amin. 

Istisyhad
28 Rabiulakhir 1437H
2341

What would you do?

Considering you are (self)  retired debater,  and someone asked you to join the debate (public speaking).  What would you do?

Considering you are comfortable doing something and someone said you should stop doing it for a while because of a very valid reason.  What would you do?

Considering you really want to talk or text someone telling them how scared you are waiting for exam result and someone told you not to because you need to focus on your hectic class and tutorial.  What would you do?

Considering you want to tell the whole world what happens in your life which is exciting and challenging and someone told you not to.  What would you do?

Fighting your own self is hard. 
You really want to do it,  but you know you shouldn't. 
You really want to improve but it is not that easy. 

Mum told me,  it is less than 100 days.  Hang it there.  Almost there.  Give your best.  Focus.  Don't be so distracted (even though you denied it as distraction because you just enjoy it so much.  Lols)

 Almost there.
There are things that you need to push boundaries. (like public speaking stuffs)
And there things just remained as it is.

There was a leader once told me, why I choose this path? Because I want to die as a Muslim. We never know when we will die.  And I hope by choosing this,  I can die as a Muslim.

Choose your path wisely. 
 

Alhamdulillah.  Done the 'public speaking'  ketaq habaq hang.  -_-'
This is the last week of this rotation and next week is full of lectures.  And then I am back in HOSPITAL! Be afraid, this kiasu medical student is coming! Haha. 

I am ok. 
Yes,  I am okay.

P/s someone = conscious mind. 

Large Lecture Theatre
28 Rabiualakhielr 1437H
1459

2016

Salam and hi!

2016 in less than an hour (GMT. hehe). So here it goes, my last blog post for a year. 2015.

A year of drama. Lols.

This is the year I choose to cut down my personal sharing on social media such as FB and Instagram.

This is the year I write most in my blog since its first 'birth'. Lols.

This is the year I observes more than commenting.

This is the year I have make lots of impromptu decision.

This is the year of tears, blood and sweat.

This is the the year of love and hatred.

This is the year of ups and down.

This is the year of happiness and sadness.

This is the year of hope and faith.

And the list goes on.

In one word, a tough year.

Having said that, there are soo many good news in it and I'm survived. Alhamdulillah. It is just we are so overwhelmed with the negative sides and overlooked the positive ones. May 2016 is the year that change our paradigm. Look the good side in every bad.

And the best thing in life are the ones you never see coming.

2016, looks like going to be a very happening year for our family. I'm looking forward to this new adventure! *excited and nervous* May Allah ease the journey and may 2016 bring us closer to Him, The Almighty. Plus, with full of barakah and happiness. Amin!

So, dear my self,

let's strive for the best. Towards a doctor of ummah. Amin! yosh! Someone share this powerful du'a by our beloved Prophet and keep on reminding to read this prayer. So, may you steadfast in His path. Amin!

يَا مُقَلِّبَ الْقُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِى عَلَى دِينِكَ

p/s O Allah, "O Ever Living, O Self-Subsisting and Supporter of all, by Your mercy I seek assistance. Rectify for me all my affairs and do not leave me to myself, even for the blink of an eye.

Amin!

91A

2353

20 Rabiulawal 1437H

Ego

Bagaimana Islam akan menang kalau penganutnya masih ada keegoan dalam diri demi kepentingan peribadi? 

Dush.  Sekali kena tegur dekat muka sendiri harini.  

Drop your ego.

Loss my machoness and coolness.  Not good,  dear,  not good.    

# PUISI2015

Burren

1704

10 Rabiulawal 1437H

Sick!

I am sick!

Sick of reading the news.
What is going on with these people?
I am totally don't understand.  (Maybe I am not doing enough research)  but in my conscious mind,  I am still can't find any reason for bombing Syria! ISIS? Are you serious? Syria is not ISIS.  The kids are not ISIS.  Syria is a country.  Duhhh,  even 6 years old kid know that.  Ok.  I am just being too emotional. 

They say World War Three is about to begin.  Hurm. 

There are so many things that I don't understand.  (including medical stuffs.  Nak jugak cakap :P)

Malaysia is not getting any better.  With the toll,  public transport, subsidy, 
And the new rang undang-undang.  Dictator? I don't know.  I need to be careful what I wrote next time.  Duhh selama ni tak careful ke? Takut kena tangkap? Ouuu pleaseee Allah tengok selama ini tak takut?

With the Paris attack.  Islamophobia.  Alhamdulillah I am okay here.

O Allah,  please protect us.  Show us the truth and let us stay steadfast with the truth. 

Dunia akhir zaman.  Mengharapkan dosa terhapus,  amalan bertambah,  gapai hidayah,  berada bersama yang Haq, dan mampu bezakan yang batil. 

P/s gonna do more reading about the current issues after the finals.  12 more days before final.  Doakan, please! May Allah rewards you!

Room 303
2202
22 Safar 1437H

Clouds

Cloudy.  Cloud nine. Awan.  High.  Love.  Happy. Happiness. Blind love.

But it also can be...

Cloudy. Suram.  Sad.  Death.  Rain.  Cry. 

Of how clouds can change color,  so does emotions.  It is only a word but it can be used in a sentence in a various way.  (then,  the meaning changes).  I know there are other words too.  But this particular word is very close to me.  Cloud. I love looking at the sky on a clear lovely day, smiling, feeling the breeze, Looking at the clouds moving so fast (typical Eire) and in a split second,  it is getting darker,  and rain flow down like the tears of mine.  (if you are studying psychiatric,  you might think I have bipolar.  Mood swing.  Lols)

On 20th November,  (27 days to exam),  I am a happy kid.  High. Too many good news and blessings from Allah.  Alhamdulillah.  It is just  a beautiful day. Everyone is happy. Indeed a memorable day for all of us. Booster to study.  Gituuuu.  Claudy bak hang. 

On 21st of November, 1230pm local time (8.30pm home time) I have received a single line of whatsapp message that struck my heart.
"innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun. Pukul 8.05pm tadi,  Liyana kembali ke rahmatullah"

Liyana is my first cousin.  She is 2 years older than me. Went to study medicine in Dublin and twinning in PMC. She is already working as a doctor (houseman) back home.  But things happened.  Last year,  she was diagnosed with Leukemia. 
As a medical student,  herself is a fighter. She has face lots of difficulties back then.  And now Allah tests her again.  After almost a year fighting cancer (it is not easy.  The environment itself is tough and rough),  Allah loves you more. 

I saw you last summer,  at Tok Che's house.  You seems happy and healthy.
I haven't got a chance to tell you.
You are a fighter. Keep it up. 

I guess it is too late now to say that to you.  But I know Allah is all knowing.  He knows what you have go through and may you unite with soleheen. 

Al fatihah. 

That's another cloudy.  Irony. 

A reminder.  In this world, Allah creates both.  Happiness and sadness.  But both occasions lead to Allah.  Lead to Him.
Be assured,  this worldly life will end and a real life will begin.  Live in dunya like a traveler.

Dear myself, focus on your study.  This is part of jihad. If you died now,  you will consider shahid.  Stay steadfast.  Allah is all knowing.  Death can happen anythime. 

Jodoh dengan tuhan itu pasti. 
Jodoh dengan manusia,  tuhan sahaja yang tahu.

May Allah bless.

91A
9 safar 1437H
1326

Sympathy or empathy

Salam and Hi! 

I saw this elderly man yesterday. Pre-opt. At the middle of history taking, two young men who are his sons came and joined the session. They were very nice and caring towards the father (maybe because they are very close with the father as their mother died at early age)

Am I being empathy?

At the hospital corridor today, after a break before next surgery, the two anxious young men came and asked for the condition of their father.

"how's the surgery? "
" when can we see him? "
" they said they just started the surgery" (which is completely wrong. The father is in recovery room.)
"can you find out for us? "

The surgery went well.
Your father is in recovery room.

I wished I can say that.
I wished I can give more information.
I wished I can tell them not too worry.
I wished I can tell them how lucky the father is to have two sons who are always care for him.
I wished I can put them at ease.
But I can't.
Because I am just a student (premature-seven-months- doctor?)

Eventhough when I have become a doctor in the future (amin. InsyaAllah!), I don't think I can say that to the family members. Because it will be just a script. It will be just because your responsibility, your job to tell them. Not because you want to do it. You will be having lots of long operations a day. Even just now, observing a 3 hours lobectomy makes you cranky. Just observe ok. Bukan operate pun. (hurm. I'm might be wrong. Maybe I'll change)

After talking to the sons, I can imagine myself if I were there during my father's CABG operation last 2 years. I can imagine how anxious I will be. Even just watching over the skype, they pull my dad's trolley to the operation theatre give me goosebumps. I can't imagine if I am actually there. Worse. I miss him.

Now I start to relate to my own story. hurm. 

Today, after the operation, I have a very strong feeling. I went to the ward to look for them but they weren't in. And I'm thinking of seeing them this Monday. Hurm. I think I shouldn't.

This is not the first time I feel this. There were times when the patients rejected my request for history taking because they are tired, I was having the same feelings. The consultant scolded me because I don't have the history. I feel bad. Very bad. I told my mom but she said things need to be done, so I should push it. But I don't have the strength to push it. Being sick is suck, cranky, tired. Hadith said that Allah removes the lights (nur) from your face when you are sick. Yup. I saw those faces a lot. And I feel bad to disturb them. :(

There is a reason why you can't take everything personally. Emotional versus logical. Necessary versus unnecessary. You need to take the history and do examination properly to help them to become better. It is important. The interruption is necessary, dear. Not just for the sake of main main doktor doktor okkk. If you can't do it properly now, what will happen to your own future patients?

Be strong!
Overcome the feelings!! You can be empathy but not sympathy.
Jihad kesihatan!
Yosh!

Allah bagi nikmat IQ for the benefit of ummah. Use it.

P/s this is one of the thousands reasons why I want to specialise in primary care whether public health and health promotion or family medicine. Because I don't think I can handle that feelings when working at the busy hospital. Handle feelings are more tired than handle the diseases. Hurm. Emo laaaa.




Comerford
1757
3 Muharram 1437H

re-post the pic.