Wednesday, August 18, 2010

i am a coward

salam, readers.

first of all happy fasting.
Emo Myspace Comments
gambar sekadar hiasan

well, a few things happen and i'm feel uneasy and disappointed about myself.

on the way to send my babysitter home, i saw an old man, apparently my own neighbor walking towards bazar ramadhan. the distance is quite far for that age. i stop the car and want to give a ride. yes, i did it but i stop miles away from where he was because i take few minutes to think about doing it. doing good deeds. what happen to me?? why it takes so long for me to do good deeds? what am i thinking?? am i so sure i have done lots of good things and can enter His Jannah??? omg, putus fiuskah aku?? at the end, i continue my journey without him with miserable feelings.T_T on the way home, i was hoping to see him again and wishing i can give him a ride. but not my luck.

a friend told me i'm selfish. maybe that person is right. i'm just a coward and selfish.

another miserable moment. in a big event, i saw my friend's grandmother who i have met a month ago and have a nice chit chat. BUT, during that day, i just gave her a smile from a distant but not meeting her, salam, say hi, or have a short conversation. I WAS NOT DOING IT!! argh. emo2. i don't know what is happening to me, too busy with my uncle and auntie?? i don't think so. why i can't take a few minutes to meet her?? seriously i feel dumb.

i feel even worse when i didn't go and greet my other friends' mothers. whats wrong with me?? where is my manner?? what happen to your principle, jaga hubungan denganNya dan juga manusia?? shame of being myself -_-"

i care about my friends, but i'm too coward to say so.
i love mummy so much because willing to help me to go through all these procedures thingy, but i'm too coward to say i love you
i love papa too because calling everywhere to get my medical checkup done but i'm to coward to tell you how much i appreciate your effort

i'm too scared of losing friends, more so hurting them.
i'm trying to help my friends, but sometimes i got it wrong. i'm too afraid of losing you guys.

dear friends and family,

sorry for my selfishness, for being too pessimist, too skeptical, and too paranoid. i have no courage to tell you how much i love and care about all my brothers, sisters, mummy, papa and all my friends since i was small until now. sorry.

i'm too coward. but sometimes i'm wondering. is it true i'm a coward? i dare to drive 110 km/h to kt. but in relationship, i'm a failure. maybe because human beings are too unique that i can't treat them like a machine or car. I SHOULD TREAT THEM LIKE HUMAN BEING, have feelings and back to nature, require love and support to survive.

it is all makes sense. it is not easy to enter His Jannah. when someone want to do good deeds, there comes Mr. Doubts, Mrs. Skeptic n etc mazmumah behaviour.
i hope this year, in this holy month Ramadhan, i will be able to have more courage to do all the good deeds. even as easy as pick up rubbish.

أَمْ حَسِبْتُمْ أَن تَدْخُلُواْ الْجَنَّةَ وَلَمَّا يَأْتِكُم مَّثَلُ الَّذِينَ خَلَوْاْ مِن قَبْلِكُم مَّسَّتْهُمُ الْبَأْسَاء وَالضَّرَّاء وَزُلْزِلُواْ حَتَّى يَقُولَ الرَّسُولُ وَالَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ مَعَهُ مَتَى نَصْرُ اللّهِ أَلا إِنَّ نَصْرَ اللّهِ قَرِيبٌ

[2:214] Apakah kamu mengira bahwa kamu akan masuk syurga, padahal belum datang kepadamu (cobaan) sebagaimana halnya orang-orang terdahulu sebelum kamu? Mereka ditimpa oleh malapetaka dan kesengsaraan, serta digoncangkan (dengan bermacam-macam cobaan) sehingga berkatalah Rasul dan orang-orang yang beriman bersamanya:Bilakah datangnya pertolongan Allah?” Ingatlah, sesungguhnya pertolongan Allah itu amat dekat.

English: Or do you think that you would enter the garden while yet the state of those who have passed away before you has not come upon you; distress and affliction befell them and they were shaken violently, so that the Apostle and those who believed with him said: When will the help of Allah come? Now surely the help of Allah is nigh!

O Allah, please grant me with courage, forgive my sins. may this year much better than last year.
May we successfully enroll in Your School of Tarbiyyah for 1431H. Happy Ramadhan.

i just need courage.

Hidup tidak selalunya indah
Langit tak selalu cerah
Suram malam tak berbintang
Itulah lukisan alam
[hijjaz-lukisan alam]

i miss this happy moments with bro. plus, langkawi trip with girlfriends.

p/s thanks bro muhammad, copy the ayat quran from your blog. ^_^