Saturday, December 3, 2016

December!

Salam and hi!

Trying hard to write few posts but I deleted them. Why? I don't know. There are things that you should just keep inside your mind. There are things that you shouldn't share with the world. There are things that just remained as it is. Terkubur di telan zaman.

Am I getting wiser? Maybe.

Anyway, so hello December! 2016 almost come to an end. So, here I am at home, being a 'housewife', enjoy my holiday to the fullest, working part-time from home. So, I stopped working with my Dad at his clinic, and do what I do best - working at home.

For the last few weeks, trying to figure out what I can do and analyze my strength and weakness. SWOT analysis. Application of knowledge. Lols.

Currently working hard for my design studio. If you are still remember White Rose Design Studio (since 2013, well, I did post about it longggg time ago) Alhamdulillah, it is growing. And already signed an 'agreement' for joint venture with other studio. End of January for an official one. So far, prepare for the big day. Exciting. Which studio? jeng jeng, wait and see.

Few other big projects coming, publishing paper for my long overdue research -_-', author for a medical website, accepting few orders for designing banners, house chores since I am staying at home for free, soooo I need to do some household job la kan? lols. (jadi housewife pun penat. huhu)

That's pretty much my not-so-busy life. Including reading my overdue list of books. on personal development and some medical books to refresh my knowledge.

So, other personal related issues? Well, who says if your life stagnant means you don't have any challenge. Hidup senang pun ada ujian okayyyy. But let it be between me and God, Allah. Dah tuh awat mention? You just create curiosity from readers, okay, author. Haha. Lols,


Just listening to a talk in IKIM radio saying about hasad, (jealousy) and 'ain disease (penyakin ain). He says that all human being are created with hasad. but how they manage with hasad that makes each one is different. He also mention that you can share your nikmah i.e telling the world about what you have, what you get, but ready to take the risk of hasad. There are few ayah in the Quran about hasad but I don't know from which surah. Need to do more digging but this is not the first time I heard about this. Hence, be careful what you share and to whom you share.

So, author, are you now being skeptical towards readers? Lols, To be honest, I don't know how many people still reading blog, I know my fellow classmates and PPG Farah, Mirah, Mau and Bella. and only a very small number of unknown IP address. So, the answer to the question is NO, I'm not being skeptical but I'm being careful. Taqwa. Because whatever I wrote here will be asked during the judgement day. I can still write about my opinion, yada yadaa as long as not against Islam.


To be fair, it is not that easy not to share the joy, the news, etc, and in fact it is not wrong in Islam. We are advisable to share our nikmah! About the risk? We can't control other people's emotion or wish or prayers or etc That's why it is important to know who is your friend. and it is important to always pray pray pray to the owner of the heart, Him, The Almighty, Ya Muqalibal Qulb. Ask from Him the protection, only He can protect us. Even if you don't tell other people about your life, your nikmah etc, there must be someone who knows, you can't hide it for too long. We are not living in a cave, no internet yadaa yadaaa. People might take our photos and tag us on Facebook or rumors. So, the only way to do is pray to Him, to protect us from penyakit 'ain, hasad.

You can search more on Youtube, Just google Penyakit 'Ain.

Just a snippet. Find more on Youtbe.

May Allah protect us from this, hasad, and His anger. Amin.

p/s my classmates gossip about me in our whatsapp group and I don't know how to respond. Lols. You guys are just soooo straight forward. I loike. But I'm sorry I don't know what to do. Lols. Doa yang baik-baik ajaaaa.



Lot 2740
3 Rabiulawwal 1438H
2222


Wednesday, October 26, 2016

[SONG] It's Gonna Be Okay

Assalamualaikum and hi!

Here is my latest favorite song by my favorite group musician, The Piano Guys! They are just soooo brilliant with music and instruments. I don't know how to describe but just go and check out their channel on YouTube. The instrumental song are wonderful and soothing. 

Out of topic, they are believers, hurm how to put in words, they are those Christians who are preaching. I think that a better description. Hence, their songs are mostly for the soul, kinda feed the hungry soul that needs love. That is soooo Christianity. (Off note: currently reading on Love & Respect, written by a pastor with PhD) Anyway, that's not the point. I'm not going to meng-kafir you, readers. (since it has been a hot topic recently, regarding RUU 355. Huhu) Well, at least their message bring us closer to God, than those love song who always remind on lovers, daaaa. *maghah makngah. haha* Just joking. It is not wrong to listen to Christians song or in fact reading Bible (habis laa aku, kuar statement macamni) But seriously, if you know your own ground, your own religion, so why afraid of reading on other religions', it should make your faith stronger. But if you are that kind of religion by birth and have no interest on learning about your religion, there are lots lots of things you need to do. Renew your iman, bro and sis. We need to do that here and then. 

If you ask me, there are soooo many other songs on motivation like Maher Zain's or Saif Adam, why this song?

It is catchy. Lols. Not good enough, dear.
The song came when something happen. I was just soo nervous and the song keep on repeating say It's gonna be okay. That's the key in memorizing and learning things. Repeating. Nak hafal ayat quran pun depa suruh ulang banyak kali, masakan wanita hafizah yang tengah period dibenarkan ulang ayat quran. To shows that our brain works that way. It is not as simple as oh he/she is genius. Well, maybe genius in finding out the smartest way to  memorize. But the key point is repeating. *dah lalut dah ni*

So, yeah. That's why this song means so much to me. And I need it now. As a person who don't like spotlight and love being wallpaper have to face the reality. Sampai bila? You need to stand your ground. It's gonna be okay, dear. Huhu. 
 




Okay
“Okay” written by Andy Grammar and Dave Bassett
The Piano Guys Arrangement produced and written by Al van der Beek & Steven Sharp Nelson
Performed by The Piano Guys:
Al van der Beek: Vocals
Jon Schmidt: Piano
Steven Sharp Nelson: Cello, cello percussion
Mixed and mastered by Al van der Beek at TPG Studios, Utah

Doubt is a broken record that play inside my head.
I try to turn it down, but I can't quite drown it out.
I'm tortured everyday, these never ending worries, Pulling on my sleeves.

So many times now I was supposed to tap out.
All the walls would fall around me.
All anybody would tell me, Is all that bad news how it's gonna fall through.
But no matter what they say or what they say,
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x).
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x).

No matter what you've been through here you are.
No matter if you think you're falling apart.
It's gonna be OKAY!

And there is a battle raging in yout heart but you must win.
It comes for all of us, saying we are not enough.
So fight for your life. The worlds gonna try.
To sell you some lies.

So many times now I was supposed to tap out.
All the walls would fall around me.
All anybody would tell me, Is all that bad news how it's gonna fall through.
But no matter what they say or what they say,
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY!
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY!

No matter what you've been through here you are.
No matter if you think you're falling apart.
It's gonna be OKAY!

It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY!
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY!

No matter what you've been through here you are.
No matter if you think you're falling apart.
It's gonna be OKAY!

It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY!
It's gonna be, OKAY!

WOAH, WOAH WOAH! (It's gonna be, gonna be)
WOAH, WOAH WOAH! (It's gonna be, OKAY!)
WOAH, WOAH WOAH! (It's gonna be, gonna be)
WOAH, WOAH WOAH! (It's gonna be, OKAY!)






2145
Lot 2745
25 Muharram 1438H

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Med School Life (Part 2)

Salam and hi!

As promised, second and last part of the journey. You can read first part here.


2014

Hello clinical year! I should be at home for 3 months holiday tapi gatal tangan, I applied for summer research. Extra money beb, haha. Oh well, dah every summer kena bayar 200 euro for resit exam, I need money okay plus duit hilang dulu. Huhu.

So, that summer, I spent amazing days with amazing orthopedic team. Alhamdulillah managed to publish the case report but still trying to publish the paper (up until today. My supervisor is nice but scary. He just emailed me few days ago asking about publishing the paper! Hey, it has been 2 years okay. Menghantui. Lols) Anyway, it was a great experience, people called me DR. (kuat berangan time ni. Haha) 

Apart from that, it was a tough year emotionally. This was the year I was involved in relationship which I am bad in it. There were ups and downs but alhamdulillah I can say we survived that year.

Welcoming 4th year! New things to learn. I passed most of the modules in first semester but it wasn't 100% anyway, need to include case report etc. So, let's see the following year.

amazing team during summer research - OT MGH,2014

my playground- MGH,2014



2015

I enjoyed studying O&G, paeds, GP and psych. But it was a lot in a year! So, again, resit. Almost all modules, except OSCE. Sigh. Maybe I do love talking. Ehehs. 

 Went for viva earlier because it was borderline mark. It was scary. 4 examiners - 2 internal, 2 external from UK. Susah okayy soalan. I hate viva. Lols. and true enough, I didn't make it.

Received a warning email from med school telling me I have last chance to continue medicine. Debar tuh tak payah cakap. Fear of failure creeping me again. I didn't tell anyone about the email except Him, The Almighty. Hope vs Fear, you decide. So, I choose Hope. 

This time was different than before. I was stronger both emotion and mental. I seek for help. Number of classmates help us. They arranged online tutorials, shared notes, tips, past year questions etc. Alhamdulillah. I'm grateful to have them and my partner in 'crime' Jasmin. We do MCQ for GP EVERYDAY through Skype. Epic. Memang memorable betul la.


And Alhamdulillah I made it.

So, hello final year! Excited! First semester was okay. I passed my first semester exam. This time I'm pretty sure I passed. To be honest, I love final year first semester. The coolest team ever - Omar, the Canadian, Mico, the philipino, and Chichi, the Nigerian. Sooo international okayyy. Hardworking boleh tahan. I did enjoy my time with them. Any challenges? Ujian? Yes, the relationship part again. Lols. Begitulah hidup. Haha.




Omar, Chi chi, Mico, dream team 1.0 - OT, 2015

the study group for 2 years. *love*





2016


Second semester was more like junior intern. They expect us to be like an intern. Do all the intern job. Blood, prescribe, ECG etc. Lots of self studying. It was okay apart from kena marah. Sumpah memang akan ingat. That Huntington patient with inquiry for stroke. Medical student doing the referral to stroke team? Yeah, that’s me. Med student request for CT scan. Yeah, that's me. All without supervision. She just arah me to do it by MYSELF. For the first time. Since then, I hate MAU and her. Haha. Anyway, old story. She taught me to become more head-strong, ask for help, etc Ala HO kat Malaysia lagi teruk kena marah. I think now I have hati kering. Preparing me for future I guess.

I love surgery or anything that have definite stuffs like organizing, administrating, etc. but not medicine which so confusing, end up the patient come back again because they are still smoking or not compliance to medication or poor access to healthcare or not attending OPD etc. In general medicine, we can't treat the patient properly if the healthcare system that we are living in is not supportive or not accommodative.


Back to 2016 stories, if you read my previous previous post, I did mention about forgive myself yadaa yadaa. So, I was so panicked during the long case, and I did poorly in it. I thought I would cover it up with my short case and theory papers. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. It comes separately.

In long case, there was a patient with community acquired pneumonia with no co morbidity. It was pretty straight forward case. The examiner said I present it well, but I did poorly in my discussion part. They asked about fluid and oxygen management (though they want to know about CURB 65, geeee. I have prepared that okayy) There are no definite management for fluid (I learnt this during extended rotation) but well things happened, the examiner want to hear what inside his mind. I don't like the surgeon examiner. (haha)

Anyway, I was called for viva the evening after my short case. Urgh. Panic attack stroked again. 5 people in a room and me alone. I think I did fairly well about hyperkalemia management not until they asked on mechanism of ACE inhibitor. Heyyy, I thought they want to ask only management. Geee. And the surgeon asked about post-opt AAA patient with endoleak. I couldn’t figure out on endoleak. Sobs sobs. But I said about shock tho. Huhu. The external examiner asked on MI, Alhamdulillah managed to answer all his questions and ECG interpretation. What an experience! 

And later that very same day, I received a call saying I didn't pass. Everything happened so fast - sat for exam in the morning, got a call from med school in the afternoon, two hours later went to the hospital for viva, few hours after that received a call I failed. So, here it goes, an extension rotation. Sobs. Heartbroken? Yes. Depress? Hurm not really. Maybe a little. Need to cancel my trip to Egypt and going back to Malaysia instead. For a week.


Went to see the Prof with my brother by my side and go through all the marks. The school was wondering why I didn't pass my long case given that I have a pretty high marks for the other modules - my short case and the paper. To be honest, I love my short cases. All examiners were very nice and helpful and it was only 6 minutes each station anyway. It was on Aortic Stenosis, RA, Sepsis, Vanc prescription, radiology CT brain extradural haemorrhage, ankle fracture, lung collapse, and COPD (hate this station. Huhu)


So, things happened. There you go 2 months extension. Went to Swiss and Italy with Kak Yanti, and went back to Malaysia for a week before the rotation starts. Well, balik Malaysia for another drilling session with my sister who is now a specialist oncologist. Boleh tahan la drill dia. But it was good.

enjoy each moment lols

while waiting for tutorials.lols, - comerford,2016


During the extension, went to UK number of times given that my parents were here for my brother's graduation. Banyak kali juga la tuang. Lols. But heyyy I did extra work okay. I went for oncall, scrub in, etc.

Learnt a lot in these 2 months since it was a very personal training. The tutors were very close to us. How much I hate MAU before had turned to love. Because of the people. Gituuu. Indeed, the place doesn't mean anything if there are no one there to make it meaningful.

The consultant and the team in MAU were different than before. This time, everyone in the team received an email saying medical students are coming and we are the special one. They gave a very special attention too. -_-" In fact, they were so curious how come we failed (see, we are not that bad. We are just special) Haha. What to do boss, things happened. Panic is not good. And you know what they did to me after knowing I failed because I was so panic, they drilled me really hard, bombarded with lots lots lots of questions. Present case, not a problem, at the tip of the tongue. Gitu haaa. They do a very good job in overcome my weakness. That's medicine rotation.

after solat. haha. - CSI Prayer Room,2016

Surgical rotation was another story. The surgical tutors were well known for being mean. I haven't experience it but people told me that. Oh well, since I love surgery, I love to challenge myself. Down tak payah cakap la bila kena. They were straight forward. Whatever questions you asked them, they will ask you back. They make you think instead of spoon-feeding. They were mean but in a positive way. Towards the end of the rotation, they were actually very nice. "you know Deejay, if you go in this pace, you will definitely pass, not just pass, but with flying colors"

just before present to GerFlah. *excuse for our obsession on each other. what to do. we are special* ehehs - Comerford, 2016

Then towards the end of rotation, five (or sometimes 6) of us make our own team, we do our own ward round, examine patient by ourselves, exam stimulation. It was so great. Fefeling doctor. Haha. Having classmates as intern make our life soooo much easier. Whenever we saw them, "do you have interesting patient?" lols.


So, the actual exam came. For long case, I got a cellulitis patient with venous ulcer on background of diabetes. The examiners were Prof O'Brien and Ms Malone (heard she was scary, but luckily she was super nice during exam) So, they asked about why they keep the patient, type of ulcer, management of cellulitis, management of venous ulcer, pathophysiology of venous ulcer, Marjolin ulcer, diabetes medications, COPD as she has that. Overall, I did well. (because it is a surgical case. Lols)


Then, I have not-so-short case, (depa suka je tambah-tambah exam), a patient with pontine stroke. Hoho. Sumpah tak tahu pontine stroke. Tahu la stroke. Anyway, they asked me to examine, do neuro exam, asked about innervation of the lips, do speech exam, asked about causes of stroke, do CVS exam, interpret ECG, management of Afib. It was 15 minutes or more in that particular patient. It was horrible. Trust me. The two examiner were so weird? They were being too helpful until my brain stop working. Lols. I don't like the case at all anyway. 

The patient has a bit of articulation problem, muscle, but speech center was fine. I want to say that but the examiner cut me off saying he has normal speech. Ouh alright. Then the ECG part, it was irregular and haywire, though A.Fib but I can see the P wave. Hence, I said there was P wave. Damn. The pulse was not that easy to figure out if A.Fib. I try to listen with my stets, but sound normal. Again, I was screwed. The patient has one sided pronator drift. Though about cerebellum. The examiner asked on symptoms for pontine stroke. Weyy, function of pons pon lupa okayyy. (sila Google sekarang) Again, another screwed.

A pontine stroke is a stroke that occurs in the pons, which is a portion of the brain stem. The pons is located between the midbrain and medulla. Its function is to relay messages between the cerebral hemispheres and cerebellum.- ref

The positive part - I answered correctly about the causes of stroke, management of A.Fib, I examined correctly the neuro system, speech, and CVS.

It was horrible. Went back home, cried. Waiting for Jasmin to go back. She was after me. Was talking to her, complaining etc, then suddenly we received a call from med school saying we pass!!! We did sujud syukur immediately and going crazy! Hahah. All five of us passed the exam. Alhamdulillah. Despite the horrible exam, huhu, Allah is soooo generous. Everything happened so fast! And later that day we went out for celebration. The feelings MasyaAllah, relief, feels like a huge burden has been lift up from our shoulders.


our dream team 2.0 _ Josh, Max, Jen, DJ, Ashley and Min. Our first celebration. The day of exam (& result!) -High Cafe, 2016

our third celebrations? lols. Play Name It Game in the middle of cafe. haha. Gourmet Tart Cafe, Salthill, 2016 

adios eire! beannacht, Éire, dublin airport,2016
____________________________________________________________________

So, there you go my life journey in med school. Not included in this are - how my family supports me, my bestfriend PPG, him, my studygroup mate, my Galwegians family, my UK and Ireland family, other important people in my life and this blog. All those give me a huge impact. Not to mention the One and only, Allah. How He brings me through all those hardship, to become a better servant. Amin.

For time being, meh la berbakti pada ibu bapa. After 13 years staying away from home. Separuh umur weyyy. (5 years in high school, 2 years in college, 6 years in university) Hurm. Cukup solehahkah aku, Mami Papa?

Hence, answering to my busy schedule even though jobless/half-employed.

Just a kind reminder to myself. Rezeki manusia tak sama. Lain orang lain rezekinya dan kita memang akan diuji, be it in academic,relationship or iman. Have gone through that before. My studies were okay, then suddenly came the relationship challenge. Huhu. But all these happens should bring us closer to Him.


Whatever you do in life, be a good one. :)



1234
12 Muharram 1438H
Lot 2740


Med School Life (Part 1)

Salam and hi!

It has been agesssss (hyperbole) since the last time I wrote here. Oh well, I am busy. Lols. Busy tanam anggur. Haha. JK.

Just joking. For the last 3 months +, there are soooo many life changing events. From being a student to jobless to half employed worker, then from being a caveman (duk gua. Lols) to half-social person (I wouldn't consider myself as social type person) From being single to married (in my dream. Hahah) and the list goes on. It was so hectic with full of roller-coaster emotion here and there. But above all, Alhamdulillah for the blessings from Above.

So, as I said, from a student to jobless, it means Alhamdulillah I'm done with med school! Yay! I have been thinking I should write on my long med school journey. For my future reference, that I have survived. If you are a regular reader or my close friends, you might know what happened in my life for the last 6 years. But I didn't wrote down exactly what happened (but you can guess or assume) as believe it or not I am kind of a private person. Ha ha ha. Yeah, I know.

 So, this time, I'm gonna write a very long post of my 6 years journey. But not so details (I hope. Wink) I do hope you will learn something (apart from knowing more about me. Hahah *perasan*)

So, here it goes! Let's the journey begin! Vroooommm

2010

Alhamdulillah I passed my IB exam with flying colors (I would say) and I have very wonderful memories back in KMB. With PPG by my side, up until today, and counting. My classmates are cool, awesome, unique, name-it. It was all good apart from IB wasn't that easy, but Alhamdulillah I managed and enjoyed every moment as an IB student. (plus, my transition from all girls world to understand the creatures from Mars. Lols)

So, in Sept 2010, I flew to Ireland. The journey took me 3 days (flight delay etc, I have wrote about it back in 2010) It wasn't a smooth sailing. I lost a HUGE amount of money during that journey plus my bank draft for 6 months allowance and it was first day of Syawwal when we first arrived the city. It was horrible. I was very tired emotionally and physically. Not because homesick, but the thought that I broke my mom's heart. Yeah. My parents got angry because I was so careless. I need to manage my financial carefully. Plus, Irish accent wasn't that familiar. And at that time our anatomy lecturer was an Italian which make it worse. I barely understand what he said. It took me a while to grab the knowledge. But it was too late. I need to resit few papers during summer. (3 papers in total, I have friend with 4 or more, but she survived)



creature from Mars

classmates

raya 2010


2011

Summer 2011, I went home and come back early for the exam and back home again for raya celebration. Spent my first summer Ramadhan in Ireland which means longer days. And at that time, we lived in a 'cave'. No one knows we were there. I can't stand and told my cousin (who was working in Dublin). She came down to see me and gave moral support.

After the exam, I bought my first smartphone, considering the result will be out during my journey back to Ireland in September. Later, I clearly remember I checked my result in a bus on the way back to Galway with a thought that I come back as a second year student. Unfortunately, it did't happen. I failed my two out of three modules by only few marks. 2011 was a tough year. I went to see lecturers, thinking about appeal. Attend second year class in denial state that I am repeating first year again. Alone. It took me sometime to accept the fate. (you can read the blog post back in 2011. All the rants, the struggles)

But hey, I passed my anatomy anyway! That's the biggest achievement as most of my classmate repeating that. Huhu.

my small family in Galway during those tough times - 2011


2012

Early 2012, I was still adjusting with the new life, different timetable than my housemates, different life, different class, etc. But Alhamdulillah Allah brings me through it. I have wonderful people around me. My small family in Galway, seniors, friends, juniors, classmates, housemates. 13 of the class repeating the year. We sat together and form a study group. So,yup have been mingle with them for some time. (as the only one Malaysian. Have to)

Thank God we were only repeating the one that we failed, not like RCSI. I'm glad Allah put me in this university. So, it wasn't too bad. It was just the fear of failure got me. Feeling it was like disgrace, unfortunate, and all negative words. But to be honest, I learnt a lot about life. Sekarang boleh la cakap, when it happens, depress mak oi. Lols. 

Anyway, I passed my summer exam and have 3 months of summer holiday, yay!

The 2nd year first semester was okay, adjusting with full timetable (since I have one class per week for a year before!) so, no more waking up late, welcome presentations, assignment, essays! Plus adjusting with extra Malaysians classmates!

new classmates. have been mingle with mat salleh for the whole one year-oh well, we were in a same boat what. ngeee


2013

2nd year was okay initially. I nailed all those killer subjects. Health and Disease (H&D), Drugs and Disease (D&D), and other big modules with huge credits! I love that subject because it was soooo practical and solving problem style. ( I am that type of person) But but but it didn't end there. Life is not like a bed of roses! Indeed, I need to resit 2 small tiny modules. Genetic and Molecular Medicine. For God's sake, to be honest, I don't understand that modules at all. Anyway, redah je laaa. 

Went home for summer and stayed at my sister's house to babysit her son and at the same time taught me about those modules since she was doing her master in Oncology. So, it is kinda related but I still can't make sense of it. After the exam, there was a moment where the unofficial result was release. Bear in mind, I HAVE to pass this exam to continue study medicine. Our university didn't allow to repeat a year twice. 

Back to the unofficial result, it turned out I didn't pass by one mark. So, it means I have to go back home. For good. I felt so down, depress, stress, etc. But I believe there was still hope. (one incident in the past where the IB points change in a night and no one knows how it happened) I keep praying to Allah. Ask for His Guidance and Strength. Only Allah knows how desperate I was. How I really want to stay. How bad I want it. No one knows about those bad days. Not even my parents, or PPG or my housemates. 

Few days later, the official result was out when I was in a friend house. I excused myself and on the way home, at the road side, I checked, and Alhamdulillah I passed! I didn't how it happened, but I passed. I clearly remember I did sujud syukur at that particularly place, ignore the pedestrians, the neighbors, the Irish etc. It was the most wonderful feelings ever! Trust me, you will feel Allah hears you. And yes He is, always.


So, hello third year! Nothing much. Again trying hard, pledge for no more resit and Alhamdullillah I made it.
Raya Haji 2013, presentation day on H&D. Katie was one of the most positive friend I have ever since first year. We have gone through a lot together. All those repeating dramas. Lols - 2013




To be continued.... chee wahhh. Hehe


Lot 2740
12 Muharram 1438H
1143

Monday, July 11, 2016

Of Ramadhan and Eid

Another Ramadhan is gone.  A self reflection on this year Ramadhan and Eid celebration. 

Fasting 19 hours were indeed challenging.  My routine keep on changing but towards the end I know I need to do something before I miss the Laylatul Qadr.

So,  what are the obstacles? I don't want to write too details but you'll get general idea. :)

1 -  I started at 8am or 9am.  Depends.  Fajr was at 3am until 5am. It is either you stay up at night until Fajr or you sleep first then wake up later,  miss the sahur.

2 - I finished at 5pm or sometimes 7pm. Again depends.  Maghrib was at 10pm. Tiredness kills. *but I survived.  So,  either you sleep or have a good rest before breakfast i.e read Quran,  light books,  *definitely not medical books. Lols. 

3 - My parents were in UK for 2 weeks++ for my brother's conferring.  My weekends were full.  Went to Edinburgh twice in 2 weeks.  No,  I'm not complaining.  I love it!! Again,  the routine was changed.  When you are travelling in fasting month and you have a rental car,  then you should add in Tarawikh at mosques,  break fast outside (so that you can taste different types of local food or your brother's cooking skill)

4 - Celebrations in fasting month! Well happens to be my birthday was during  fasting  month and my brother was just graduated. We have two special occasions at different time. Lots of things to be grateful.  Alhamdulillah.

5 - Moving out. Just to get everything done. Sell old furniture online, Clean up the house,  pack all the treasures,  throw away lots lots lots of rubbish, and 6 years medical notes.  Heartbroken. Sobs.  Advice to young medical students, have notes in Google Drive or soft copy.  Not hard copy. Technology evolved.  Use wisely. Lols.  Again,  tiredness of sort up things i.e which one to keep,  which one to throw,  which one to bring home etc. Making decisions are the most tiring thing to do! Huhu.  It took me ages to clear up my room. And centuries for the kitchen.  Lols.

6- Breakfast invitations.  Received lots of invitations from neighbours,  friends etc.  When Maghrib was at 10pm and you start at 8am on the next day,  you don't want to stay late at night,  do social activities. You feel your time are precious.  Plus,  Fajr was at 3am. Of course you want to spend more time with your loved one,  Him. The Almighty  <3

If you ask me how I did? I don't know.  There were ups and downs as well.  Not all beautiful. There were times I overslept, miss sahur,  miss Tarawikh, etc.  It was indeed very challenging.  More so when your housemates went on call or went for holiday and you were living alone and your phone goes dead.  There were also times when I managed to stay up at night especially at those odd nights, talking to Him, share stories with Him, complaint things to Him.  Lols.. Alhamdulillah. I miss those days. To be honest, never in my life feeling like literally searching for Laylatul Qadr.  Never.  I know about it.  But it was always so difficult to get the feeling.  The spirit.  More so in Malaysia.  But this year,  I feel the different.  In what way? Hurm.  I don't know.  Less distraction maybe? Less social media? (Fyi,  I have deactivate my FB.  But not other.  Huhu) Maybe that's the reason.  Maybe. 

In conclusion, there are many things happened in this year's Ramadhan! And surely time flies sooo fast.  May Allah accepts our deeds.  Amin!

Eid wasn't much different. Be it at home or here. (of course except our family is not here and duit raya) The night of 1st Syawal,  the celebration was awesome! We have pelita,  kids running around and of course FOOD! The raya itself,  we went to takbir at the community centre and 3 open houses! Road trip and convoy! For 20plus year old lady,  what do you expect,  huh! Be together and eat and eat and talk and laugh. Lols.  That's basically our eid.  Have another open house during the weekend.  But it's okay.  4 are already massive.  More so,  this is not Malaysia. 

Alhamdulillah. 

As you grew older,  your definition of ramadhan and raya are changing.  What do you want from each are also not the same anymore. 

When you are small,  Ramadhan means puasa, khatam Quran, terawih,  bazar Ramadan and raya means salam raya, says maaf zahir batin,  duit raya,  solat raya,  baju raya,  takbir.

But now,  Ramadhan means His present to His servant,  doa,  hope,  bulan pahala, Laylatul Qadr and raya means silaturahim, happiness, joy,  back to fitrah. :)

Hence, eid mubarak to all of you and may Allah bless you!

P/s semoga masih ada Ramadhan pada tahun hadapan. Amin! And another new experience of Ramadhan next year? More responsibilities maybe? Semoga Allah beri kekuatan, dipermudahkan segala urusan, dan dimurahkan rezeki. Amin! :)  

Riyadatul Soliheen
1920
4 Syawwal 1437H


Monday, June 6, 2016

Never ending life lessons

Sometimes we take things for granted and we thought no one care. But the truth is different people have different way of showing.

During those tough times, I have saw, met, talked, different types of people. I've heard a quote saying you'll know your true friends during your tough times. I'm kinda partially agree, but it is not 100% true.

I learn about it in a hard way and I learn my lesson. Let me tell you.

One of many other stories.


People say girls gossip more. But the truth is both gender gossip. No gender superior to another. So, I know this guy. Well, I rarely talked to guy (or even befriend). Not because I am a feminist Lols. Just because I don't have a reason to talk to them. (boleh terima? Lols)

Anyway, back to this guy. Let's give him a name, Mr X. He is famous in our class as a very friendly guy. And he is belong to a group of man. Hurm, how to put it, a kecoh group? Lols. So, happened to be we were in a same group in faraway (read:peripheral) land for our last rotation. It was near to exam and we were only 5 of us Malaysians and 2 Irish. Hence, we have to work together. I have no problem with him. No at all. But he knows too much about my personal life (which I have no idea where he got it. Never talk to him before). I'm kinda don't like it. But I don't want to make a scene and I don't have any grudge on him. Not at all. Why? Hurm, because I know he is Kecoh group member. Lols. Anyway, I believe the more we discuss about it, the more information leak. So, I decided to keep quiet and only talk about studies or relevant stuffs etc.

Ok. So, when this 'thing' happened, a friend told me, he knew. Well, he is a member of Kecoh group. No surprised. No at all. But this time, I did feel a little bit hurm annoying?. Not just him but anyone else. People talked behind your back and do nothing. Just talked. It hurts. It really hurts. I don't mind people know I have go through this and that, but if you know he or she have go through calamity, as a friend or at least as a brother or sister in Islam, offer your help. Be it as beautiful words, prayers, physical help. Anything! There are so many things you can do. (reminder to myself. But unfortunately, I'm always the last person to know about this stuffs that happens to other people. Hurm. Asyik duduk dalam gua. Memang la. Lols)

So, I thought he was like that until one day, he texted me.

He asked me how am I, how I cope with, and say he will pray for me.

I asked him why he do that, ada orang bagi ceramah ke. Lols. But he said no, he really want to call/text me, but he is just waiting for a right time. He told my friend, he knows how hard I study, how hard I was, based from the 3 weeks rotation, and he was afraid I'm not okay, and couldn't take the news. That's why he wants to wait (until after 3 weeks to text me)

And I'm touched.
I'm wrong. 

This is just one of many other stories, with different people, especially those are dear to me. Family and best friends. Mum told me, "We are caring a lot, in our own ways" 

Indeed, mum, indeed.

Hence, for this Ramadhan resolution: Purify the heart, more husnuzon, ask guidance from Allah. (minta sungguh-sungguh)
Salam Ramadhan, everyone! May Allah accepts our deeds this year and may this year much much much more better than last year. Amin!


91A
1725
29 Syaaban 1437H


Monday, May 30, 2016

Do good because He loves those who do good


Beautiful advice by the great scholar Imam Ibn al-Qayyim (rahimahullah):

“A friend can not share your struggles, 

and a loved one cannot physically take away your pain, 

and a close one will not stay up the night on your behalf. 

So look after yourself, protect yourself, nurture yourself and don’t give life’s events more than what they are really worth. 

Know for certain that when you break no one will heal you except you, and when you are defeated no one will give you victory except your determination. 

Your ability to stand up again and carry on is your responsibility. 

Do not look for your self worth in the eyes of people; look for your worth from within your conscious. 

If your conscious is at peace then you will ascend high and if you truly know yourself then what is said about you won’t harm you.

Do not carry the worries of this life because this is for Allah. 

And do not carry the worries of sustenance because it is from Allah. 

And do not carry the anxiety for the future because it is in the Hands of Allah.

Carry one thing: How to Please Allah. 

Because if you please Him, He Pleases you, fulfils you and enriches you.

Do not weep from a life that made your heart weep. Just say, "Oh Allah compensate me with good in this life and the hereafter.”

Sadness departs with a Sajdah. 

Happiness comes with a sincere Du'a. 

Allah does not forget the good you do. Nor does he forget the good you did to others and the pain you relieved them from. 

Nor will He forget the eye which was about to cry but you made it laugh.

Live your life with this principle: Be good even if you don’t receive good, not because of other’s sake but because Allah loves those who do good.“ 

Ibn Qayyim

CSI

1323

22 Syaban 1437


Hang it there.

8 days to Ramadhan. Allahu.  

91A 

1733

21 Syaban 1437H 

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Stop having expectations

Lessons to be learnt.


Expectations hurt when it does not meet.

Be it to yourself or to other people.


You expect people to react the way that you want.

You expect people to have the same feeling as yours.

You expect people to do things.

You expect people to say things that you want to hear.


You expect you can achieve that and that.

You expect you can do that and that.

You expect things going on as plan.

You expect.....

You expect....

You expect.....


Too many expectations from a person.

Too many expectations from myself.


Learn to accept the way they are.

Learn to accept the fate.

Learn to accept your ability.

Learn to let go.

Learn to move on.

Learn to understand.

Learn to learn about other people.




A long talk with my sister and she told me this, don't expect he will change to the person you want. You need to accept the way he is. You need to be patience. Never stop loving, never stop knowing him after married.

(oh well, applicable to everything, everyone we know and it is a two way thing. Including your best friends, your friends, studygroup mate, family etc)


Adiós, feelings. Penat ar layan perasaan. Ok. Just joking :P

Adiós, expectations!

Bon voyage, classmates.

Bon voyage, groupmates.

All the best in your future undertaking.


Ola, Prof Kerin, books, MAU, Dr Gallagher, Dr Goulding, Dr Finn,

Class of 2016, you guys will be missed.




1423

16 Syaaban 1437H

Sri Damansara



The day I decide to hide the tears. Ok, just joking #swiss16
I'm lucky to have you in my life. Thank you for lending your shoulders and ears and be there during the tough time.  #whenweseeprof


last day of exam. #beforeeverythngchange

with a very positive classmate and a clingy one. lols. JK. #lastdayofexam
rumah kurning yang suka hijack kak yanti :P #lastdayoftutorial 

bride-to-be. lagi advance dari kakak ni. hoho. #adikakaktalk

last rotation #teamcastlebar

a prompt visit my kesayangan #whenheisnotwell #edin16

break time. team #lectureblock
The dream team - big brother, little brother, little sister #awesometeam

international dinner #team90s

 with Dean School of Medicine #can'tsaygoodbyeyettothisman. hoho

#studygroupmates


It is not the end. It is just the beginning. Hang it there.
Stop having expectations and move on.

Whatever happens, Allah knows, Allah is always there.

Berhenti berharap pada manusia. Kerana tuhan ada.








Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Bachelors of wisdom




Gratefulness

While doing some survey on living in Eire, a young man approached me. Showing me his volunteer licence, IC, letter about this nursing home. Asking for money for food i.e rice.
After explained about the nursing home etc. I asked about him, as I saw his IC, he is younger than my brother! He is only 21 y/o.

K: so you are a volunteer?
M: yup
K: are you still studying?
M: nope, it has been 3 years I stopped studying, last time was Form 5.
K: so, you are working?
M: yup, but not enough to give to this nursing home. I am not from rich family. My family needs money too.
K: And you did part time volunteering?
M: yup. We come here only for 4 hours. I have been here for 3 hours, and now I need to find 6 more in 1 hour!

And then, I'm mumbling something. Sobs. Rasa macam tampar diri sendiri.

Dalam hati menangis. There are people who didn't get the same opportunity as you are. And yet, you are not grateful. :(

Dear myself,

Do your best. Give it all out! Be grateful. Ada orang lagi tidak bernasib baik. Jangan banding dengan mereka yang sudah berjaya, tapi banding dengan yang tiada punya apa-apa. Strive for a better person, muslim. Do your best so that you can give other people the same opportunities. Give back to society! Kalau ada bachelors of medicine tapi lupa daratan, tidak jadi hamba bersyukur, tak guna jugak. *sila tampar diri sendiri*

Love,
Me.

P/s gambar kasi syukur dapat peluang pergi jalan siap. Haish. #swiss16

2149
A8 KLIA
10 Syaban 1437H

He is sufficient.



Re-post.

Allah is sufficient.

The day when I wake up. Looking at the ceiling. Thinking about what happened. Thinking what I have been go through. The tears rolled down my cheek.

"Why me? "

"ini semua kerja syaitan" deep inside. Trying to ignore those. Without realising, I went back to sleep. Fighting those feelings. Depression? Nah, I have been gone through worse. I was over thinking.

"from Him we came, to Him we shall return and He is sufficient "

The sentence keep on chanting in my head. Day by day. Went to see the world, hoping to find strength in nature. But in the end, the answer is in front of my eyes.

Count the blessings. Count the blessings.
For whatever happens, leave it to Him, The Almighty.

1044
4 Syaban 1437H
Domodossola

In Highland, Scotland 2015 summer loneranger craziness.  Beruzlah mengenal tuhan.  

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Forgiveness

Just finished 2/3 of exams, and another 1/3 more to finish med school. And here I am writing a blog post. Well this is the best I can do to keep myself calm *you can chanting this now. Lols. oh well, 1/3 is another 5 days more. A bit of study break a.k.a waiting for prayer*

Indeed, the past few days were tough. Yesterday was the toughest, almost lost my grip.*get angry with my housemate but she didn't know. Sobs, I guess people never know whether I am angry or not. or maybe she knows but she just ignored? Idk*

Anyway, I guess it is worth sharing here. A reminder to future me and a booster for few more days until exam.

This morning, wake up with listening to 5 hours of youtube lectures on stress, sadness, depression, tribulations, and other synonyms to those negative stuffs. Morning meditation plus cooking halwa telinga. Lols.

Being an introvert and so-called perfectionist, there are no room of mistakes. And it kills.
Kills your mood, motivation, feelings, improvements. That's why Allah keep on giving me tests and mistakes. To uplifts my iman, to teach me, to improve myself to become a better servant, to remind myself,"it is okay to make mistake" Ingat sampai mati.

Even when you make sins, and you repent, Allah forgives you. He is Al-Ghafar, Al-Ghafur. So, why not you forgive yourself? You are so easily forgive other people who make mistake/back-stab/fitnah to you, and you are so easily empathy and sympathy to other people, why not you have a bit mercy on yourself too? Why not you have empathy and sympathy on yourself? Why not you forgive yourself? Why you are being so hard on yourself? Forgive yourself. Learn to love yourself more. Learn to appreciate yourself. It is okay to make mistake. Even Allah forgive His servant, why not you forgive yourself. Don't be too hard, dear. 

So, dear future me, a.k.a 40s year old gorgeous lady, lols,

For whatever happens, relate back to Allah. It is just a small hurdle. You have gone through worse and you survived. Learn to be grateful. Learn from mistakes. Learn to move on. Life is more than that. Cherish each moment. Breath in. It is not the end of the world. Redefine success. Redefine yourself. It is just another test. If you are down, lift up your head to Him. If you are up, lift down your head, prostrate to Him.  At the end of the day, you will be grateful it happens. Keep smiling :) It is okay. It is okay. All is well.

Love, 
20ish year old you. Lols


back to books. 

p/s Here it goes this morning meditation. huhu. Excuse the grammar. Too lazy to check. lols. While you are so down, the least thing you want to do is to check the grammar. 








Istisyhad
23 Rejab 1437H
2218






Monday, April 25, 2016

Breath in!

Salam and hi!

My finals will be in less than 72 hours and here I am blogging. Lols. What to do. As I wrote countless time before. To keep my sanity. (knowing you have thousands things to read and remember -_-')

A friend said, panic will not bring you anywhere.

Indeed, dear friend. Memang tak ke mana.

Among thousand things to keep me calm, writing here is one of it. To remind me, there are so many things to be grateful of. Remind me I have gone through worse. Remind me, this is just another exam. Remind me, this is part of learning. Remind me, life is a learning process. Remind me, we are not define by our academic status. Remind me, you are a Muslim first before a medical student. Remind me who I am.

Yes, I have to do my best in the exam! My ultimate effort goes to it.
Yes, I have to pass.
Yes, I have to study as an ingredient to ask from Allah, The Almighty.
Yes, to all.

Read Quran this morning, and suddenly it was on the page about the Prophet Musa (Moses) , where Allah told Moses to throw his tongkat and it turned to snakes.

Listen to Hijau.fm in between studies, and suddenly a tazkirah was on about Ahzab war a.k.a Khandaq when Allah sends angels and turn the weather (debu and stuffs) and the Muslims won the war.

Two reminders in one day. Allah itu Maha Kuasa. He can do anything in a split second! Kun Fayakun! Looking at the past what I have gone through, should be increase my iman. but............... do you really change to a better? hurm.

To remind me, balance yourself, believe in Allah. Believe in yourself.

Allahu.

So, dear myself,

Study hard. Study smart. Believe in Allah. Pray. Ask from Him,
Allah is The Most Powerful.

Balance.

Regards,
Me

p/s trying to keep calm for the last few days. Mini episode of panic attack, and indeed it is not a nice feeling. but alhamdulillah improving. Trying my best to control emotion. (Now I know myself better that I can't be in panic. It was soooooooo disaster. So, dear future husband, take note :P )


91A
17 Rejab 1437H
2203

On the last day as medical student. Amin! No more school, please. Half of the class - yang muslimin pergi solat jumaat. :D and some have launching thing . So, here is half of us :)





Saturday, April 9, 2016

Almost there



18 days to finals and your last rotation is in peripheral.
In a way, you are grateful to be away from those stressful environment when you see your classmates lingering around the wards looking for potential patients for exams (yes, they did. The most common questions in history taking - Have you ever being asked to come to our exam? or in the past? No kidding, this is what we asked our patients. And the long queue to see the 'potential patients'. Just to see the face okayyy. because the patients rejected seeing lotttts of students already. That's what we did) And it's sooooo stressful seeing your classmates in the library too.


Being in peripheral hospital is a blessing in disguise I guess (maybe) The environment is sooo calm, the patients are friendly, never got rejected, and the intern is not soo busy. And another blessings I should remember is seeing familiar faces! My research team!! As usual, the consultant called you Dr! Ehehs.  (But I was too excited until I forgot to ask for tutorial or even to present a case -_-' oh well, I still have two more weeks here. Ortho department will be my next playground. Ehehs. Will definitely see them again :)


BUT then again, the downside is, you are kinda lost in abyss. AGAIN. Urgh. You have soooo many things to study - both for MCQ, short case, long case. (and here I am writing a blog post. sigh) Have been studying with my cottage-mate for the past few days but still haven't figure out where should I start. I have starting jumping here and there. At one point, I go through past year paper, suddenly jump to short case, and then long case, and then go random topic all over the place. At the end of the week, I don't know what I have achieved for the past 5 days. Lost my sanity on arranging timetable and schedule. Make a list but it turns out to be a bad idea because it shut you down. Too stressful to handle. (the downside of being Melancholic) 


Yes, I shut myself down for the past few days. Text my sister telling her I think I have depression. Lols. Not easy, man. Being alone and surrounded with people not that close to you. ( I miss my PPG who just say anything straight to my face and always being positive. Yes, after 6 years, no one can replace you guys. Honesty is the key. But things are escalate too quickly. Each one of us have go different paths. May Allah make it ease. Long distance relationship is hard. I wish I can be with both of you during ups and downs but I can't :(

I don't have time to rant all those things that I don't have. I should stop complaint and count my blessings. I really should do that. Just to keep my sanity. 

At the end of the day, you just realized that you are just weak, lembik creature that are soo hopeless without the help from ABOVE. (and yet, you act like sombong, knowing everything will be fine, and sound so powerful, huh. bongkak tuh namanya) 


Looking forward to sooo many things after the exams. Count your blessings, dear. Almost there. Almost there.

Pray a lot!!! You can't control the consultant's heart, the patient's mood. it is sooooo subjective. Even the intern told you, it is sooo difficult to say. So, pray harder! Just do what you can do. 

Keep calm and just study. Pray!!!!!!! Ask from Allah, Ar Razak!!!!!

Indeed, I'm in need of guidance. 


The view from the room

Next to our BnB. SubhanaAllah. it is soooo magnificent! 

Let's back to business, shall we?
Take a deep breath and yosh!



Bulberry, Lough Lannagh
2315
1 Rejab 1437H


Thursday, March 24, 2016

Bullied

Went to take blood from a patient.  Mr J.S,   56 y/o gentleman present with status asthmaticus.  He is now stable. 

K: Hi,  I'm D,  a junior intern.  I came here to take your blood.  Sorry to disturb your dinner.
J: nahh,  you are fine. 

*busy preparing stuffs*

J: are you okay?
K: I'm grand! :D
.... And then I couldn't get the vein on the first try.  Sobsss but he was a very friendly man! Keep on saying -  you are okay,  take your time,  you will find it,  we need to learn,  don't say sorry (since I say that a lot lately) :(

And then I go and check on the other arm. 

And he suddenly said this, "your boss is a bully"  (boss=consultant)

Erk.  Hurm. 
I told him,  she is not.  She is just like that.  But he keeps on saying I know bullies.  They are a group of people who had been bullied while they are in training and then later,  they started bullied others.  It is a cycle.

I'm just do my job and listening him talking about bullied and smile.  That's the least I can do. 

I don't know if I'm really been bullied or if I am that weak.  I got patients saying are you a nurse.  Lols.  Nak jadi doktor dah ni,  tak ada muka doktor ke aku ni.  Lols. 

To be honest.  I'm gonna finish med school in less than 6 weeks.  Amin insyAllah! And to be fair, they are expecting you to be on your feet in July. (since intern starts working in July here) So,  it means you need to act fast in diagnose, plan, management.  Not just taking bloods (which I am very good at.  Lols)

So,  for the sake of patients,  I need to be competent and able to make quick decisions. 

Competency. 

I have no problem with patients.  I looooveeee talking with patients! I loooveee taking history and examination on them (given that they are not cranky.  Lols) but I have problem with consultant, sho,  intern etc.  I have problem answering their questions. I have problem present to them. And I don't know why. 

Got bad luck lately (bukan.  Allah nak ajar tuh, dear. It is a good luck actually.  Dapat jumpa urostomy bag! Hehe. ) Taking complicated patients and consultant pun naik pening.  What to do. It's happens. -_-'

Kena bully ke tak.  It is part of learning.  Dekat sekolah dulu pun asyik kena bully.  Well not really,  it is just helping.  Don't you think so?

Help vs bully.

I don't know.

Betulkan niat. Lillahita'a.  InsyAllah dapat pahala. 

Time kerja? One at a time.  When time comes,  time comes. 

P/s Corrib River.  A walk to remember.  #koyak

Patho Lab
14 Jamadilakhir 1437H
1353

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Sinners



Sabda Nabi SAW

كُلُّ بَنِي آدَمَ خَّطَّاءٌ وَخَيْرُ الْخَطَّائِينَ التَّوَّابُونَ
Setiap anak Adam sering bersalah, dan sebaik-baik yang bersalah adalah yang bertaubat.

(Ibn Majah kitab az-Zuhd bab dzikrit-taubah no. 4251, Sunan ad-Darami kitab ar-Riqaq bab fit-Taubah no. 2727, Musnad Ahmad bab hadits Anas Ibn Malik. No. 13072)

Mengaku jiwa seorang hamba. #koyak

I am just one. The reason behind I can't keep too many relationships. I am just one.

I have one belated birthday present waiting to be posted and I have one letter, half way written waiting to be finished. And I have medical books that need to be read. I have patients that I need to talk too. I have many histories that I need to present.

In the end, I am just a weak creature. Hanya seorang hamba. Tak mampu penuhi semua tuntutan.

6 weeks more.
Fighting!
In need of courage to face the scary consultants. Too many negativity in MAU. Rosak mood. Asyik lari je.
I should just do it. Face it, dear.

As time goes by, you realized that you have changed. I am used to become a risk taker. Pantang dicabar. I am clearly remembered during the days in theater when this particular anesthetist (consultant) said to me, 'where is your tools, doctor?' Haih, perli la tuh tak bawak stets masuk theater. And dia pernah jugak cakap, 'I know you have a beautiful face, but don't you think you should do something?' amboiii, consultant ni. Well, the more he said those stuffs yang menyakitkan hati, the more I love to stick around him. Hahah. And yes, I did that for the whole 1 week.  Masuk theater purposely looking for him and there was one day, I told him, "see, I bring  my stets!" lols.

Those were just few months ago. 

But, those days when you are that brave, hurm, not anymore? 
You kind of becoming more reserve especially when someone compete with you.
The last 3 weeks, were tough enough. I hate being judged (ke perasaan je?) and compete with others. Jiwa sudah tua. Tak larat nak bertanding. Datang untuk belajar. I am just another human being. Dulu rasa ala-ala superhero. Lols. Sekarang, sedar diri ini sekadar hamba yang hina. 

 
To my dear brother,
I am sorry for not being a good sister. :(

Helpless. Because the only help you can ask from is only Him, Allah, The Almighty.

Badan aku hanya satu.
Wahai tuhan, jagakan dia untuk aku.
Jagakan dia.
Jagakan mereka.
Agar tidak hanyut dengan dunia penuh durjana dan fitnah.


2346
Istisyhad
4 Jamadilakhir 1437H

Friday, March 4, 2016

What keeps you going?

During post surgery ward round today, 
An elderly man hold the surgeon's hand and said thank you with tears rolling down the cheeks. 
Manly tears.

That kind of patient keeps me going.

Later that day,
A wife with background history of amputation above the knee on the left side complains of pain on the right leg. She had just lost her husband due to cancer.  She is grieving and giving  up on her life.  She starts smoking again. 

The registrar came. And after listening to her and her daughter's complaints,  he said,
"I believe your husband in a better place.  And do you know what your husband want you to do? "
With low voice she said,  walking.
" yes! Walking! Go back on your feet.  Use your prothesis leg and walk! Even after you fall,  stand up and walk. Do it for your husband's sake at least"

That kind of doctor keeps me going.

Maybe that is the sign from above,  from Him,  The Almighty. 

Don't give up even other people make your life trouble,  miserable,  difficult.
Don't give up even other people is smarter than you. 
Don't give up even you can't answer simple questions. 

Just continue.
If it is not for your own sake,  at least for the sake of those patients who are in "war",
At least for the sake of those doctors who have lots of audit,  bloods to take,  ECG,  discharge letter,  and other odd jobs other than diagnosing people,
At least for the sake of people who are waiting for you at home,  Malaysia,
At least for the sake of your parents,

You (Read=I) are self-sacrificing,  I know.  But that's what you do best.
I saw one picture in Instagram asked,  describe one word about you. 
For me,  self-sacrifice.
I can't find other better word that can describe myself.
Hurm,  maybe skema. 
Ok.  Enough of those negativity. I need more positive vibes here!

"Cancel,  cancel,  go away gone"

Never stop. 
It is not an easy road, but it is not impossible either. 

If you said, "hey,  you are a final year student but you still have time to write blog post.  And yet you said you have lots to study. (tone Malaysia sangat)."  Get lost,  I don't need negative people here.  *maghah makngah.  Lols*

Well,  true story.  I know some people loves to comment on other people's life.  But believe me,  we have a different needs. I don't mind if you want to tell me to reduce my time on blog because I need to study.  (well,  in which,  I don't) or you kind of concern that I get carried away with blog. Seriously, I don't mind if you are concern about me,  but please don't judge.  Tell me what goes wrong and what can I improve and PLEASE guide me and never give up on me.  I have troubled changing my lifestyle.  Lols.  But serious.  It is not easy to change your old habit.
 
Emo? A bit.  I am a slave with full of sins and thousands of weaknesses.  Please bear with me.

So,  what keeps me going?
Hope and Love

7 weeks to finals.
Istisyhad
2334
23 Jamadalawwal 1437H

P/s missing the road trip.  Feeling like want to run away.  Hurm.  I should consider uzlah in the next few days.  I am really should.