Thursday, October 29, 2015

Tiada yang sempurna

Dalam 3 hari, 2 teguran kematian.
Isnin lepas,  sedang bedah buku dengan Kak Yanti, dalam satu bab tujuan hidup terbelek satu bait,  'Mati itu pasti'.

Hari ini,  seorang pesakit menghembuskan nafas terakhir.  Tidak berada di sisinya, tapi sempat melihat di sebalik tirai.  Baru semalam ber-bedside tutorial pesakit tersebut.  Harini sudah tiada.  Orang kata,  jadi doktor akan hadapi nasihat kematian berkali-kali.  Tapi dalam masa hampir 2 tahun setengah berbumbungkan hospital,  tiada satu pun kematiaan yang dilihat. Sehinggalah malam ini.  Mungkin ini teguran dari Yang Esa. 

Kematian itu boleh beri kesan positif.  Juga negatif.  Lihat pada siapa yang melihat. 

Aku? Banyak lagi muhasabah. 

Bila mana rasa ingin tahu tahu dan tahu yang meninggi,  lupa menyusun yang mana lebih penting dari yang terpenting. 
Sehingga lupa,  akhirnya kematiaan yang menerjah. 

Patut berhenti menjadi manusia yang inginkan kesempurnaan kerana ini dunia.  Andai dunia sempurna,  apakah itu syurga? Latih diri, tidak semua benda ada penjelasannya. Prioritise ilmu. Ilmu tuhan ini bagai air di lautan. 

Demi masa,  manusia dalam kerugiaan kecuali..........

15 Muharram 1437H

Friday, October 23, 2015


Salam and hi!

2 months gone and another two months coming.  Time surely flies fast. 

لَا إلَهَ إِلَّا اللَّهُ الْعَظِيمُ الْحَلِيمْ، لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللَّهُ رَبُّ العَرْشِ العَظِيمُ، لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللَّهْ رَبُّ السَّمَوَاتِ وَرَبُّ الأَرْضِ وَرَبُّ العَرْشِ الْكَرِيمُ

Laa 'ilaaha 'illallaahul-'Adheemul-Haleem, laa 'ilaaha 'illallaahu Rabbul-'Arshil-'Adheem, laa 'ilaaha 'illallaahu Rabbus-samaawaati wa Rabbul-'ardhi wa Rabbul-'Arshil-Kareem.

There is none worthy of worship but Allah the Mighty, the Forbearing. There is none worthy of worship but Allah, Lord of the Magnificent Throne. There is none worthy of worship but Allah, Lord of the heavens and Lord of the earth, and Lord of the Noble Throne.

Ref:Al-Bukhari 8/154, Muslim 4/2092.

Keep calm and cherish the moment.  You're gonna miss this later.

Keep going.

Allahu rabbi. 

10 Muharram 1437H

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Sympathy or empathy

Salam and Hi! 

I saw this elderly man yesterday. Pre-opt. At the middle of history taking, two young men who are his sons came and joined the session. They were very nice and caring towards the father (maybe because they are very close with the father as their mother died at early age)

Am I being empathy?

At the hospital corridor today, after a break before next surgery, the two anxious young men came and asked for the condition of their father.

"how's the surgery? "
" when can we see him? "
" they said they just started the surgery" (which is completely wrong. The father is in recovery room.)
"can you find out for us? "

The surgery went well.
Your father is in recovery room.

I wished I can say that.
I wished I can give more information.
I wished I can tell them not too worry.
I wished I can tell them how lucky the father is to have two sons who are always care for him.
I wished I can put them at ease.
But I can't.
Because I am just a student (premature-seven-months- doctor?)

Eventhough when I have become a doctor in the future (amin. InsyaAllah!), I don't think I can say that to the family members. Because it will be just a script. It will be just because your responsibility, your job to tell them. Not because you want to do it. You will be having lots of long operations a day. Even just now, observing a 3 hours lobectomy makes you cranky. Just observe ok. Bukan operate pun. (hurm. I'm might be wrong. Maybe I'll change)

After talking to the sons, I can imagine myself if I were there during my father's CABG operation last 2 years. I can imagine how anxious I will be. Even just watching over the skype, they pull my dad's trolley to the operation theatre give me goosebumps. I can't imagine if I am actually there. Worse. I miss him.

Now I start to relate to my own story. hurm. 

Today, after the operation, I have a very strong feeling. I went to the ward to look for them but they weren't in. And I'm thinking of seeing them this Monday. Hurm. I think I shouldn't.

This is not the first time I feel this. There were times when the patients rejected my request for history taking because they are tired, I was having the same feelings. The consultant scolded me because I don't have the history. I feel bad. Very bad. I told my mom but she said things need to be done, so I should push it. But I don't have the strength to push it. Being sick is suck, cranky, tired. Hadith said that Allah removes the lights (nur) from your face when you are sick. Yup. I saw those faces a lot. And I feel bad to disturb them. :(

There is a reason why you can't take everything personally. Emotional versus logical. Necessary versus unnecessary. You need to take the history and do examination properly to help them to become better. It is important. The interruption is necessary, dear. Not just for the sake of main main doktor doktor okkk. If you can't do it properly now, what will happen to your own future patients?

Be strong!
Overcome the feelings!! You can be empathy but not sympathy.
Jihad kesihatan!

Allah bagi nikmat IQ for the benefit of ummah. Use it.

P/s this is one of the thousands reasons why I want to specialise in primary care whether public health and health promotion or family medicine. Because I don't think I can handle that feelings when working at the busy hospital. Handle feelings are more tired than handle the diseases. Hurm. Emo laaaa.

3 Muharram 1437H

re-post the pic.

Monday, October 12, 2015


How do you believe in Allah when you couldn't see Him?


I guess that's how love works too. 

You couldn't see it,  but you can feel it. 

It is difficult to do but possible.  Sometimes you feel hurt.  But sometimes you feel weird.  And  sometimes you feel happy. 

Have faith. 

Random sangat niiiiii. Haish.  Hormonal imbalance I guess.  When you learn more on endocrinology,  the more you realised how wonderful your body works.  How beautiful Allah creates us,  the human being.  

Thyroid, pituitary,  adrenal.  You can't see it,  but you can feel the effect.  The effect on your mood,  your action,  your emotion,  your appetite, etc.  Isn't it amazing? Subhanallah! All praise to Him,  the most Powerful. 

P/s thank you Allah, the creator of all feelings,  love,  sad,  happy.  Pemilik hati manusia.  


29 Zulhijjah 1436H 

Siobhan McKeena Lecture Theatre

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Bla bla bla bla

Assalamualaikum and hi!

Here is the thing that I am struggle most.
Stop talking too much!

I have this problem since high school? I think.  But maybe because people call me [insert my nickname] so it makes me to talk more and more! Maybe.  *shrug shoulder * *sigh*

I talked a lot with my non Malaysians friends.  *bajet nak fit in? * nahhh.  I talked a lot to Malaysians as well okkk.  Erk.  Are you sure? <---- ignore this paragraph.  Argument inside my head.  Monologue yang terkeluar.  Ehehs.

At one point,  I feel like people think I want to fit in with them.  Mat Salleh uolls.  Lols.  Just my assumption. Do I need to clarify that? No,  I don't.  Why should I? <--- again, Monologue. 

I have realised that I need to reduce talking  nonsense,  gossips,  (do I really do that? Wey,  you are not maksum okkkk.  You are normal human being with sins. Sobs) It was already few years I am struggling with this.  And this year is the worse! Well, I thought I need to practice speak English especially with long cases and short cases exam coming.  Which end up,  I talked something unnecessary. Geee.  That's the problem! I didn't think before I talked! I just say things recklessly! When I speak in Malay,  I don't have much that problem.  Hurm.  I don't know why.  Fit in hypothesis again? Hurmmmm.  Muhasabah derrr. 

“Let whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day either speak good or remain silent.”

[Al-Bukhari, Kitab ar-Riqaq, 11/308; Muslim, Kitab al-Iman, 2/18. The complete hadith is, "Let whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day either speak good or remain silent; and let whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day be generous to his neighbours; and let whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day be generous to his guest."]

O Allah, please protect me from talking things that makes You angry.  :(

P/s everyday's view at 8 am.  Winter is coming.  :)


24Zulhijjah 1436H


Sunday, October 4, 2015


The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said : A muslim is a brother to a Muslim: Neither he wrongs him, nor hands him over (to another). And whoso comes in need of his brother , Allah comes in his need ;and whoso removes a calamity of a Muslim, Allah will remove a calamity from the calamities of the Resurrection Day, and whoso conceals the faults of a Muslim, Allah will conceal his sins on the Resurrection Day' (Bukhari and Muslim)


Tired? Of course.  But that's doesn't matter.  I am glad I did.

Get well soon,  dear!

Booster for few months to come before we meet each other again. 

May Allah protect and bless you two. 

Edinburgh Airport
21 Zulhijjah 1436H

Friday, October 2, 2015

Brotherly love

I have 5 elder brothers and a younger brother. I don't think I need to add more. But that didn't happen.

At a clinic today,

A registrar asked me few questions and being a blurred medical student, I answered what I can. *with a reluctant face as I don't like this rotation *

He stopped doing whatever he was doing and looked straight at me.

"[insert my first name here], this is an advice from a brother to a younger sister"

And I start to cried. Well, not really. Masuk habuk je. Ehehs. Tak tak. Betul tak. Dalam hati je.

I hold back my tears and listen to his advice.

"you will pass but you need to work harder"

It is not that I don't know that. I know. And he gave few other advises. *the new member, a Canadian was there. He is the nice smartest guy in the class*

Later that day, this Canadian being like another brother to me asked me questions.

So today, I have two new caring brothers. Geee.

I used to have protective caring brothers. Well, not anymore as most of them are married. Sobss. *thinking of my last summer, well, they are married but they are still caring as usual actually *

And with what happened today, I feel touched.

I really need to work hard.

I am scared but at the same I am grateful. Allah has send me them to teach me, as a reminder.

Indeed, it has been a stressful week especially when you are doing things that you don't like but you have too. And my girlfriend is still in the hospital :(

Maybe I need to get back on track. Pray pray pray and pray. Balance life. Your body needs it too. Hak yang tertangguh.

Spiritual and mental.

And I'm crying.

I'm crying because Allah still loves me.
I'm crying because I know it is a long tough journey ahead.
I'm crying because I am grateful.
I'm crying because I am exhausted.
I'm crying because I am scared.

I'm crying because I'm just a normal imperfect human being who relies on Allah for everything.

I am just a weak creature with feelings.

All is well.

"Is prescribed upon you [the] fighting while it (is) hateful to you. But perhaps [that] you dislike a thing and it (is) good for you; and perhaps [that] you love a thing and it (is) bad for you. And Allah knows while you (do) not know." 2;216

Corrib River
18 Zulhijjah 1436H