Saturday, December 3, 2016


Salam and hi!

Trying hard to write few posts but I deleted them. Why? I don't know. There are things that you should just keep inside your mind. There are things that you shouldn't share with the world. There are things that just remained as it is. Terkubur di telan zaman.

Am I getting wiser? Maybe.

Anyway, so hello December! 2016 almost come to an end. So, here I am at home, being a 'housewife', enjoy my holiday to the fullest, working part-time from home. So, I stopped working with my Dad at his clinic, and do what I do best - working at home.

For the last few weeks, trying to figure out what I can do and analyze my strength and weakness. SWOT analysis. Application of knowledge. Lols.

Currently working hard for my design studio. If you are still remember White Rose Design Studio (since 2013, well, I did post about it longggg time ago) Alhamdulillah, it is growing. And already signed an 'agreement' for joint venture with other studio. End of January for an official one. So far, prepare for the big day. Exciting. Which studio? jeng jeng, wait and see.

Few other big projects coming, publishing paper for my long overdue research -_-', author for a medical website, accepting few orders for designing banners, house chores since I am staying at home for free, soooo I need to do some household job la kan? lols. (jadi housewife pun penat. huhu)

That's pretty much my not-so-busy life. Including reading my overdue list of books. on personal development and some medical books to refresh my knowledge.

So, other personal related issues? Well, who says if your life stagnant means you don't have any challenge. Hidup senang pun ada ujian okayyyy. But let it be between me and God, Allah. Dah tuh awat mention? You just create curiosity from readers, okay, author. Haha. Lols,

Just listening to a talk in IKIM radio saying about hasad, (jealousy) and 'ain disease (penyakin ain). He says that all human being are created with hasad. but how they manage with hasad that makes each one is different. He also mention that you can share your nikmah i.e telling the world about what you have, what you get, but ready to take the risk of hasad. There are few ayah in the Quran about hasad but I don't know from which surah. Need to do more digging but this is not the first time I heard about this. Hence, be careful what you share and to whom you share.

So, author, are you now being skeptical towards readers? Lols, To be honest, I don't know how many people still reading blog, I know my fellow classmates and PPG Farah, Mirah, Mau and Bella. and only a very small number of unknown IP address. So, the answer to the question is NO, I'm not being skeptical but I'm being careful. Taqwa. Because whatever I wrote here will be asked during the judgement day. I can still write about my opinion, yada yadaa as long as not against Islam.

To be fair, it is not that easy not to share the joy, the news, etc, and in fact it is not wrong in Islam. We are advisable to share our nikmah! About the risk? We can't control other people's emotion or wish or prayers or etc That's why it is important to know who is your friend. and it is important to always pray pray pray to the owner of the heart, Him, The Almighty, Ya Muqalibal Qulb. Ask from Him the protection, only He can protect us. Even if you don't tell other people about your life, your nikmah etc, there must be someone who knows, you can't hide it for too long. We are not living in a cave, no internet yadaa yadaaa. People might take our photos and tag us on Facebook or rumors. So, the only way to do is pray to Him, to protect us from penyakit 'ain, hasad.

You can search more on Youtube, Just google Penyakit 'Ain.

Just a snippet. Find more on Youtbe.

May Allah protect us from this, hasad, and His anger. Amin.

p/s my classmates gossip about me in our whatsapp group and I don't know how to respond. Lols. You guys are just soooo straight forward. I loike. But I'm sorry I don't know what to do. Lols. Doa yang baik-baik ajaaaa.

Lot 2740
3 Rabiulawwal 1438H

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

[SONG] It's Gonna Be Okay

Assalamualaikum and hi!

Here is my latest favorite song by my favorite group musician, The Piano Guys! They are just soooo brilliant with music and instruments. I don't know how to describe but just go and check out their channel on YouTube. The instrumental song are wonderful and soothing. 

Out of topic, they are believers, hurm how to put in words, they are those Christians who are preaching. I think that a better description. Hence, their songs are mostly for the soul, kinda feed the hungry soul that needs love. That is soooo Christianity. (Off note: currently reading on Love & Respect, written by a pastor with PhD) Anyway, that's not the point. I'm not going to meng-kafir you, readers. (since it has been a hot topic recently, regarding RUU 355. Huhu) Well, at least their message bring us closer to God, than those love song who always remind on lovers, daaaa. *maghah makngah. haha* Just joking. It is not wrong to listen to Christians song or in fact reading Bible (habis laa aku, kuar statement macamni) But seriously, if you know your own ground, your own religion, so why afraid of reading on other religions', it should make your faith stronger. But if you are that kind of religion by birth and have no interest on learning about your religion, there are lots lots of things you need to do. Renew your iman, bro and sis. We need to do that here and then. 

If you ask me, there are soooo many other songs on motivation like Maher Zain's or Saif Adam, why this song?

It is catchy. Lols. Not good enough, dear.
The song came when something happen. I was just soo nervous and the song keep on repeating say It's gonna be okay. That's the key in memorizing and learning things. Repeating. Nak hafal ayat quran pun depa suruh ulang banyak kali, masakan wanita hafizah yang tengah period dibenarkan ulang ayat quran. To shows that our brain works that way. It is not as simple as oh he/she is genius. Well, maybe genius in finding out the smartest way to  memorize. But the key point is repeating. *dah lalut dah ni*

So, yeah. That's why this song means so much to me. And I need it now. As a person who don't like spotlight and love being wallpaper have to face the reality. Sampai bila? You need to stand your ground. It's gonna be okay, dear. Huhu. 

“Okay” written by Andy Grammar and Dave Bassett
The Piano Guys Arrangement produced and written by Al van der Beek & Steven Sharp Nelson
Performed by The Piano Guys:
Al van der Beek: Vocals
Jon Schmidt: Piano
Steven Sharp Nelson: Cello, cello percussion
Mixed and mastered by Al van der Beek at TPG Studios, Utah

Doubt is a broken record that play inside my head.
I try to turn it down, but I can't quite drown it out.
I'm tortured everyday, these never ending worries, Pulling on my sleeves.

So many times now I was supposed to tap out.
All the walls would fall around me.
All anybody would tell me, Is all that bad news how it's gonna fall through.
But no matter what they say or what they say,
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x).
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x).

No matter what you've been through here you are.
No matter if you think you're falling apart.
It's gonna be OKAY!

And there is a battle raging in yout heart but you must win.
It comes for all of us, saying we are not enough.
So fight for your life. The worlds gonna try.
To sell you some lies.

So many times now I was supposed to tap out.
All the walls would fall around me.
All anybody would tell me, Is all that bad news how it's gonna fall through.
But no matter what they say or what they say,
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY!
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY!

No matter what you've been through here you are.
No matter if you think you're falling apart.
It's gonna be OKAY!

It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY!
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY!

No matter what you've been through here you are.
No matter if you think you're falling apart.
It's gonna be OKAY!

It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY!
It's gonna be, OKAY!

WOAH, WOAH WOAH! (It's gonna be, gonna be)
WOAH, WOAH WOAH! (It's gonna be, OKAY!)
WOAH, WOAH WOAH! (It's gonna be, gonna be)
WOAH, WOAH WOAH! (It's gonna be, OKAY!)

Lot 2745
25 Muharram 1438H

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Med School Life (Part 2)

Salam and hi!

As promised, second and last part of the journey. You can read first part here.


Hello clinical year! I should be at home for 3 months holiday tapi gatal tangan, I applied for summer research. Extra money beb, haha. Oh well, dah every summer kena bayar 200 euro for resit exam, I need money okay plus duit hilang dulu. Huhu.

So, that summer, I spent amazing days with amazing orthopedic team. Alhamdulillah managed to publish the case report but still trying to publish the paper (up until today. My supervisor is nice but scary. He just emailed me few days ago asking about publishing the paper! Hey, it has been 2 years okay. Menghantui. Lols) Anyway, it was a great experience, people called me DR. (kuat berangan time ni. Haha) 

Apart from that, it was a tough year emotionally. This was the year I was involved in relationship which I am bad in it. There were ups and downs but alhamdulillah I can say we survived that year.

Welcoming 4th year! New things to learn. I passed most of the modules in first semester but it wasn't 100% anyway, need to include case report etc. So, let's see the following year.

amazing team during summer research - OT MGH,2014

my playground- MGH,2014


I enjoyed studying O&G, paeds, GP and psych. But it was a lot in a year! So, again, resit. Almost all modules, except OSCE. Sigh. Maybe I do love talking. Ehehs. 

 Went for viva earlier because it was borderline mark. It was scary. 4 examiners - 2 internal, 2 external from UK. Susah okayy soalan. I hate viva. Lols. and true enough, I didn't make it.

Received a warning email from med school telling me I have last chance to continue medicine. Debar tuh tak payah cakap. Fear of failure creeping me again. I didn't tell anyone about the email except Him, The Almighty. Hope vs Fear, you decide. So, I choose Hope. 

This time was different than before. I was stronger both emotion and mental. I seek for help. Number of classmates help us. They arranged online tutorials, shared notes, tips, past year questions etc. Alhamdulillah. I'm grateful to have them and my partner in 'crime' Jasmin. We do MCQ for GP EVERYDAY through Skype. Epic. Memang memorable betul la.

And Alhamdulillah I made it.

So, hello final year! Excited! First semester was okay. I passed my first semester exam. This time I'm pretty sure I passed. To be honest, I love final year first semester. The coolest team ever - Omar, the Canadian, Mico, the philipino, and Chichi, the Nigerian. Sooo international okayyy. Hardworking boleh tahan. I did enjoy my time with them. Any challenges? Ujian? Yes, the relationship part again. Lols. Begitulah hidup. Haha.

Omar, Chi chi, Mico, dream team 1.0 - OT, 2015

the study group for 2 years. *love*


Second semester was more like junior intern. They expect us to be like an intern. Do all the intern job. Blood, prescribe, ECG etc. Lots of self studying. It was okay apart from kena marah. Sumpah memang akan ingat. That Huntington patient with inquiry for stroke. Medical student doing the referral to stroke team? Yeah, that’s me. Med student request for CT scan. Yeah, that's me. All without supervision. She just arah me to do it by MYSELF. For the first time. Since then, I hate MAU and her. Haha. Anyway, old story. She taught me to become more head-strong, ask for help, etc Ala HO kat Malaysia lagi teruk kena marah. I think now I have hati kering. Preparing me for future I guess.

I love surgery or anything that have definite stuffs like organizing, administrating, etc. but not medicine which so confusing, end up the patient come back again because they are still smoking or not compliance to medication or poor access to healthcare or not attending OPD etc. In general medicine, we can't treat the patient properly if the healthcare system that we are living in is not supportive or not accommodative.

Back to 2016 stories, if you read my previous previous post, I did mention about forgive myself yadaa yadaa. So, I was so panicked during the long case, and I did poorly in it. I thought I would cover it up with my short case and theory papers. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. It comes separately.

In long case, there was a patient with community acquired pneumonia with no co morbidity. It was pretty straight forward case. The examiner said I present it well, but I did poorly in my discussion part. They asked about fluid and oxygen management (though they want to know about CURB 65, geeee. I have prepared that okayy) There are no definite management for fluid (I learnt this during extended rotation) but well things happened, the examiner want to hear what inside his mind. I don't like the surgeon examiner. (haha)

Anyway, I was called for viva the evening after my short case. Urgh. Panic attack stroked again. 5 people in a room and me alone. I think I did fairly well about hyperkalemia management not until they asked on mechanism of ACE inhibitor. Heyyy, I thought they want to ask only management. Geee. And the surgeon asked about post-opt AAA patient with endoleak. I couldn’t figure out on endoleak. Sobs sobs. But I said about shock tho. Huhu. The external examiner asked on MI, Alhamdulillah managed to answer all his questions and ECG interpretation. What an experience! 

And later that very same day, I received a call saying I didn't pass. Everything happened so fast - sat for exam in the morning, got a call from med school in the afternoon, two hours later went to the hospital for viva, few hours after that received a call I failed. So, here it goes, an extension rotation. Sobs. Heartbroken? Yes. Depress? Hurm not really. Maybe a little. Need to cancel my trip to Egypt and going back to Malaysia instead. For a week.

Went to see the Prof with my brother by my side and go through all the marks. The school was wondering why I didn't pass my long case given that I have a pretty high marks for the other modules - my short case and the paper. To be honest, I love my short cases. All examiners were very nice and helpful and it was only 6 minutes each station anyway. It was on Aortic Stenosis, RA, Sepsis, Vanc prescription, radiology CT brain extradural haemorrhage, ankle fracture, lung collapse, and COPD (hate this station. Huhu)

So, things happened. There you go 2 months extension. Went to Swiss and Italy with Kak Yanti, and went back to Malaysia for a week before the rotation starts. Well, balik Malaysia for another drilling session with my sister who is now a specialist oncologist. Boleh tahan la drill dia. But it was good.

enjoy each moment lols

while waiting for tutorials.lols, - comerford,2016

During the extension, went to UK number of times given that my parents were here for my brother's graduation. Banyak kali juga la tuang. Lols. But heyyy I did extra work okay. I went for oncall, scrub in, etc.

Learnt a lot in these 2 months since it was a very personal training. The tutors were very close to us. How much I hate MAU before had turned to love. Because of the people. Gituuu. Indeed, the place doesn't mean anything if there are no one there to make it meaningful.

The consultant and the team in MAU were different than before. This time, everyone in the team received an email saying medical students are coming and we are the special one. They gave a very special attention too. -_-" In fact, they were so curious how come we failed (see, we are not that bad. We are just special) Haha. What to do boss, things happened. Panic is not good. And you know what they did to me after knowing I failed because I was so panic, they drilled me really hard, bombarded with lots lots lots of questions. Present case, not a problem, at the tip of the tongue. Gitu haaa. They do a very good job in overcome my weakness. That's medicine rotation.

after solat. haha. - CSI Prayer Room,2016

Surgical rotation was another story. The surgical tutors were well known for being mean. I haven't experience it but people told me that. Oh well, since I love surgery, I love to challenge myself. Down tak payah cakap la bila kena. They were straight forward. Whatever questions you asked them, they will ask you back. They make you think instead of spoon-feeding. They were mean but in a positive way. Towards the end of the rotation, they were actually very nice. "you know Deejay, if you go in this pace, you will definitely pass, not just pass, but with flying colors"

just before present to GerFlah. *excuse for our obsession on each other. what to do. we are special* ehehs - Comerford, 2016

Then towards the end of rotation, five (or sometimes 6) of us make our own team, we do our own ward round, examine patient by ourselves, exam stimulation. It was so great. Fefeling doctor. Haha. Having classmates as intern make our life soooo much easier. Whenever we saw them, "do you have interesting patient?" lols.

So, the actual exam came. For long case, I got a cellulitis patient with venous ulcer on background of diabetes. The examiners were Prof O'Brien and Ms Malone (heard she was scary, but luckily she was super nice during exam) So, they asked about why they keep the patient, type of ulcer, management of cellulitis, management of venous ulcer, pathophysiology of venous ulcer, Marjolin ulcer, diabetes medications, COPD as she has that. Overall, I did well. (because it is a surgical case. Lols)

Then, I have not-so-short case, (depa suka je tambah-tambah exam), a patient with pontine stroke. Hoho. Sumpah tak tahu pontine stroke. Tahu la stroke. Anyway, they asked me to examine, do neuro exam, asked about innervation of the lips, do speech exam, asked about causes of stroke, do CVS exam, interpret ECG, management of Afib. It was 15 minutes or more in that particular patient. It was horrible. Trust me. The two examiner were so weird? They were being too helpful until my brain stop working. Lols. I don't like the case at all anyway. 

The patient has a bit of articulation problem, muscle, but speech center was fine. I want to say that but the examiner cut me off saying he has normal speech. Ouh alright. Then the ECG part, it was irregular and haywire, though A.Fib but I can see the P wave. Hence, I said there was P wave. Damn. The pulse was not that easy to figure out if A.Fib. I try to listen with my stets, but sound normal. Again, I was screwed. The patient has one sided pronator drift. Though about cerebellum. The examiner asked on symptoms for pontine stroke. Weyy, function of pons pon lupa okayyy. (sila Google sekarang) Again, another screwed.

A pontine stroke is a stroke that occurs in the pons, which is a portion of the brain stem. The pons is located between the midbrain and medulla. Its function is to relay messages between the cerebral hemispheres and cerebellum.- ref

The positive part - I answered correctly about the causes of stroke, management of A.Fib, I examined correctly the neuro system, speech, and CVS.

It was horrible. Went back home, cried. Waiting for Jasmin to go back. She was after me. Was talking to her, complaining etc, then suddenly we received a call from med school saying we pass!!! We did sujud syukur immediately and going crazy! Hahah. All five of us passed the exam. Alhamdulillah. Despite the horrible exam, huhu, Allah is soooo generous. Everything happened so fast! And later that day we went out for celebration. The feelings MasyaAllah, relief, feels like a huge burden has been lift up from our shoulders.

our dream team 2.0 _ Josh, Max, Jen, DJ, Ashley and Min. Our first celebration. The day of exam (& result!) -High Cafe, 2016

our third celebrations? lols. Play Name It Game in the middle of cafe. haha. Gourmet Tart Cafe, Salthill, 2016 

adios eire! beannacht, √Čire, dublin airport,2016

So, there you go my life journey in med school. Not included in this are - how my family supports me, my bestfriend PPG, him, my studygroup mate, my Galwegians family, my UK and Ireland family, other important people in my life and this blog. All those give me a huge impact. Not to mention the One and only, Allah. How He brings me through all those hardship, to become a better servant. Amin.

For time being, meh la berbakti pada ibu bapa. After 13 years staying away from home. Separuh umur weyyy. (5 years in high school, 2 years in college, 6 years in university) Hurm. Cukup solehahkah aku, Mami Papa?

Hence, answering to my busy schedule even though jobless/half-employed.

Just a kind reminder to myself. Rezeki manusia tak sama. Lain orang lain rezekinya dan kita memang akan diuji, be it in academic,relationship or iman. Have gone through that before. My studies were okay, then suddenly came the relationship challenge. Huhu. But all these happens should bring us closer to Him.

Whatever you do in life, be a good one. :)

12 Muharram 1438H
Lot 2740