Sunday, May 1, 2016

Forgiveness

Just finished 2/3 of exams, and another 1/3 more to finish med school. And here I am writing a blog post. Well this is the best I can do to keep myself calm *you can chanting this now. Lols. oh well, 1/3 is another 5 days more. A bit of study break a.k.a waiting for prayer*

Indeed, the past few days were tough. Yesterday was the toughest, almost lost my grip.*get angry with my housemate but she didn't know. Sobs, I guess people never know whether I am angry or not. or maybe she knows but she just ignored? Idk*

Anyway, I guess it is worth sharing here. A reminder to future me and a booster for few more days until exam.

This morning, wake up with listening to 5 hours of youtube lectures on stress, sadness, depression, tribulations, and other synonyms to those negative stuffs. Morning meditation plus cooking halwa telinga. Lols.

Being an introvert and so-called perfectionist, there are no room of mistakes. And it kills.
Kills your mood, motivation, feelings, improvements. That's why Allah keep on giving me tests and mistakes. To uplifts my iman, to teach me, to improve myself to become a better servant, to remind myself,"it is okay to make mistake" Ingat sampai mati.

Even when you make sins, and you repent, Allah forgives you. He is Al-Ghafar, Al-Ghafur. So, why not you forgive yourself? You are so easily forgive other people who make mistake/back-stab/fitnah to you, and you are so easily empathy and sympathy to other people, why not you have a bit mercy on yourself too? Why not you have empathy and sympathy on yourself? Why not you forgive yourself? Why you are being so hard on yourself? Forgive yourself. Learn to love yourself more. Learn to appreciate yourself. It is okay to make mistake. Even Allah forgive His servant, why not you forgive yourself. Don't be too hard, dear. 

So, dear future me, a.k.a 40s year old gorgeous lady, lols,

For whatever happens, relate back to Allah. It is just a small hurdle. You have gone through worse and you survived. Learn to be grateful. Learn from mistakes. Learn to move on. Life is more than that. Cherish each moment. Breath in. It is not the end of the world. Redefine success. Redefine yourself. It is just another test. If you are down, lift up your head to Him. If you are up, lift down your head, prostrate to Him.  At the end of the day, you will be grateful it happens. Keep smiling :) It is okay. It is okay. All is well.

Love, 
20ish year old you. Lols


back to books. 

p/s Here it goes this morning meditation. huhu. Excuse the grammar. Too lazy to check. lols. While you are so down, the least thing you want to do is to check the grammar. 








Istisyhad
23 Rejab 1437H
2218






Monday, April 25, 2016

Breath in!

Salam and hi!

My finals will be in less than 72 hours and here I am blogging. Lols. What to do. As I wrote countless time before. To keep my sanity. (knowing you have thousands things to read and remember -_-')

A friend said, panic will not bring you anywhere.

Indeed, dear friend. Memang tak ke mana.

Among thousand things to keep me calm, writing here is one of it. To remind me, there are so many things to be grateful of. Remind me I have gone through worse. Remind me, this is just another exam. Remind me, this is part of learning. Remind me, life is a learning process. Remind me, we are not define by our academic status. Remind me, you are a Muslim first before a medical student. Remind me who I am.

Yes, I have to do my best in the exam! My ultimate effort goes to it.
Yes, I have to pass.
Yes, I have to study as an ingredient to ask from Allah, The Almighty.
Yes, to all.

Read Quran this morning, and suddenly it was on the page about the Prophet Musa (Moses) , where Allah told Moses to throw his tongkat and it turned to snakes.

Listen to Hijau.fm in between studies, and suddenly a tazkirah was on about Ahzab war a.k.a Khandaq when Allah sends angels and turn the weather (debu and stuffs) and the Muslims won the war.

Two reminders in one day. Allah itu Maha Kuasa. He can do anything in a split second! Kun Fayakun! Looking at the past what I have gone through, should be increase my iman. but............... do you really change to a better? hurm.

To remind me, balance yourself, believe in Allah. Believe in yourself.

Allahu.

So, dear myself,

Study hard. Study smart. Believe in Allah. Pray. Ask from Him,
Allah is The Most Powerful.

Balance.

Regards,
Me

p/s trying to keep calm for the last few days. Mini episode of panic attack, and indeed it is not a nice feeling. but alhamdulillah improving. Trying my best to control emotion. (Now I know myself better that I can't be in panic. It was soooooooo disaster. So, dear future husband, take note :P )


91A
17 Rejab 1437H
2203

On the last day as medical student. Amin! No more school, please. Half of the class - yang muslimin pergi solat jumaat. :D and some have launching thing . So, here is half of us :)





Saturday, April 9, 2016

Almost there



18 days to finals and your last rotation is in peripheral.
In a way, you are grateful to be away from those stressful environment when you see your classmates lingering around the wards looking for potential patients for exams (yes, they did. The most common questions in history taking - Have you ever being asked to come to our exam? or in the past? No kidding, this is what we asked our patients. And the long queue to see the 'potential patients'. Just to see the face okayyy. because the patients rejected seeing lotttts of students already. That's what we did) And it's sooooo stressful seeing your classmates in the library too.


Being in peripheral hospital is a blessing in disguise I guess (maybe) The environment is sooo calm, the patients are friendly, never got rejected, and the intern is not soo busy. And another blessings I should remember is seeing familiar faces! My research team!! As usual, the consultant called you Dr! Ehehs.  (But I was too excited until I forgot to ask for tutorial or even to present a case -_-' oh well, I still have two more weeks here. Ortho department will be my next playground. Ehehs. Will definitely see them again :)


BUT then again, the downside is, you are kinda lost in abyss. AGAIN. Urgh. You have soooo many things to study - both for MCQ, short case, long case. (and here I am writing a blog post. sigh) Have been studying with my cottage-mate for the past few days but still haven't figure out where should I start. I have starting jumping here and there. At one point, I go through past year paper, suddenly jump to short case, and then long case, and then go random topic all over the place. At the end of the week, I don't know what I have achieved for the past 5 days. Lost my sanity on arranging timetable and schedule. Make a list but it turns out to be a bad idea because it shut you down. Too stressful to handle. (the downside of being Melancholic) 


Yes, I shut myself down for the past few days. Text my sister telling her I think I have depression. Lols. Not easy, man. Being alone and surrounded with people not that close to you. ( I miss my PPG who just say anything straight to my face and always being positive. Yes, after 6 years, no one can replace you guys. Honesty is the key. But things are escalate too quickly. Each one of us have go different paths. May Allah make it ease. Long distance relationship is hard. I wish I can be with both of you during ups and downs but I can't :(

I don't have time to rant all those things that I don't have. I should stop complaint and count my blessings. I really should do that. Just to keep my sanity. 

At the end of the day, you just realized that you are just weak, lembik creature that are soo hopeless without the help from ABOVE. (and yet, you act like sombong, knowing everything will be fine, and sound so powerful, huh. bongkak tuh namanya) 


Looking forward to sooo many things after the exams. Count your blessings, dear. Almost there. Almost there.

Pray a lot!!! You can't control the consultant's heart, the patient's mood. it is sooooo subjective. Even the intern told you, it is sooo difficult to say. So, pray harder! Just do what you can do. 

Keep calm and just study. Pray!!!!!!! Ask from Allah, Ar Razak!!!!!

Indeed, I'm in need of guidance. 


The view from the room

Next to our BnB. SubhanaAllah. it is soooo magnificent! 

Let's back to business, shall we?
Take a deep breath and yosh!



Bulberry, Lough Lannagh
2315
1 Rejab 1437H