Friday, February 25, 2011

inferior


salam.

again,nothing much in this post. if you dont want to read, dont.
(gambar sekadar hiasan) credit
well, this time i'm talking about myself (which is sooo unsual). but i want to.

first, have you experience failure?? (yes, i'm going to talk about fail AGAIN) sorry about that. but it is so important. because thats why there is a book entittled "dare to fail". teehee.

as a matter of fact. it is depends on how people see things. some people see it as positive stuff. n some people see it as the-end-of-the-world.hurm. n i see it in both way. hahah.

to tell the truth. i have gone through different types of failure. i failed in my english n history paper, but i got excellent for my add maths n maths. i failed in relationship but i still can make some girlfriends. i failed as a senior but i do have adik angkat (hurm, dont misunderstood, this is refer to girls and i'm still straight, kay).i failed in pujuk memujuk but i still care about that person. i failed as a good friend but i still love them. n the list go on. the fact is although you fail in doing one thing there must be something that you are good at. thats the nature of human being.

but NOW (since past 2 weeks) , i cant figure out what i'm good at. i just feel useless. i keep on failing, start from my student life till my personal life. i fail everything!!
i fail in my study, i fail in understand things in lecture, i fail to concentrate, i fail to have courage to change, i fail to talk to my friends my own feelings, i fail to tell the world how depress i am, i fail in telling the truth that i'm NOT OK,i fail in telling my stand, i fail to care my roommate's feeling, i fail in EVERYTHING.

that cause me to feel INFERIOR. cause i cant do anything n make me feel useless. <--- this is my first time feeling like this. n i hate it soooo much. but what can i do??

yes, i feel inferior.

i saw my friends getting first class honor,
i saw my friends talking confidently
i saw my friends begin to stand up again
( i feel happy for them, but why i can't be as good as them??)

but i'm still here. at the same spot. although i have lots of friends, family and seniors to support.

i keep on saying "WAKE UP" n i keep on "CRYING" and being so pity.
but it doesn't change. why?? why it is soooo hard to stand up again?? why??
i keep on praying things will change, something good will happen.but i don't know when.


dear jah,

do have FAITH in Him,
sesungguhnya selepas kesusahan ada kesenangan.
Allah maha Penyayang, DIa tidak akan membebani hambaNYa lebih dprp apa yang dia boleh pikul. please hold on to that belief.
be patient, dear. His helps will come. sooner or later. He knows what is the best for you.
hold on. keep on praying. never lose hope. do have confidence in Allah's help.

mami




T_T
( i'm not asking for symphaty, but i'm asking for prayer)



Saturday, February 12, 2011

depression

salam, all

this is what i did yesterday. well, one way to calm myself other than reading Quran and praying.
DEPRESSION ASSESSMENT!
the result is:................................

in case you can't read it. let me type here.

TOTAL NUMBER OF SYMPTOMS IDENTIFIED IS: 7

YOU HAVE REPORTED EXPERIENCING SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS CONSISTENT WITH WHAT CLINICIANS REFER TO AS "CLINICAL DEPRESSION".. ETC2. ( the rest is not that important)

i bet that happen yesterday, not applicable for today. since i have start go to library and study. huh. have i recovered?? maybe.

so after i did the test, i search for quick tips to overcome it



1. taking the first step to controlling your depression
2. you can move your mood
3. actions speak louder than words(1)
4. action speaks louder than words (2)
5. focus on the positive
6. redefine your problem
7. don't go blaming yourself
8. relax away your sorrows
9. using you imagination
10. get physical
11. open up and share your feelings

thats is the quick tips in case you have the same problem as i do. well, lets see what i have done.

1. taking the first step to controlling your depression
- i still go to class and do my routine, take a bath, go to class, eat, pray, sleep, etc2. and not overacting.i live like a normal person. except not being myself<----- this is another story. to conclude, i did control my depression (sometimes, i guess. huhu)

2. you can move your mood
- hurm, yeah, i think i have done this. i have been laughing out loud in class, i act normal. except under my duvet. my mood?? study mood, huh? hurm, just move a little. knowing the fact that i have exam this wed!!!

3. actions speak louder than words(1)
-totally true. i keep on saying, "yeah, i will do better, i wouldn't give up, bla bla" but it means nothing if your actions is still the same. lazy, moody, loner, cry under duvet at night, etc2 you have to do something!

4. action speaks louder than words (2)- talk already.

5. focus on the positive
- well, i receive an sms from my senior, keep on telling me to think positive,n my sis too.
from my sis,
"its just normal to feel that way
and its just normal for somebody like me (your sister AND medical student) to try and give you some motivation
i guess that will make you realize, you are indeed LEMAH
u need Him to gather youself back seriously
menangislah, berdoalah, mengaku je yang kite ni hambaNya
and semoga Allah SWT bantu kite di sepanjang perjalanan nanti regardless of the tests that He had prepared for us"
hurm. i will try, sis

6. redefine your problem
- i think i have not done this yet. will do. what is my main problem?? myself. my feelings, my action, everything is not right. but it is start with my own brain. so, that is my main problem.

7. don't go blaming yourself
- hahaha. will try.

8. relax away your sorrows
- relax?? i think i have done this. i have been sleeping 10 hours for three consecutive days with tears. hahaha.is it sleeping = relaxing?? hurm, praying is more likely equal to relaxing.

9. using you imagination
- a friend told me to imagine success............trying............

10. get physical
- i used to love jogging back in my country. but not anymore. to busy la. insyaAllah will do. planning to do that tomorrow n lets see the results. huhu

11. open up and share your feelings
- hohoh. this is the hardest part of all. especially when you are not married, your girlfriends are over the sea and in different continent, your family are at a faraway land. and you are a person who are not easily open up your feelings to strangers.and also the fact that i have disable friends post on my wall in fb shows i really didn't want to be disturb. plus, i haven't reply messages and pick up phone.
to tell the truth, i did told my girlfriend who is over the sea, n a senior who is close to me and just now ( few hours ago) i told my sister who is at the other side of the world.

ok. i think i want to add this list.

12. read Quran and back to Him- this is a MUST

From my sis,
you never know how you will perform.
so now you know the results already
so there must be something that can be done to improve inshaAllah
mesti j** ingat kan ayat yang Allah kate, Allah tidak akan ubah nasib sesuatu kaum sehingga mereka ubah apa yang ADA DALAM diri mereka
this is the exact meaning of the ayah
"apa yang ADA DALAM diri mereka" including your faith, your belief, your kebergantungan to Him, your usaha that come from it
believe me, the fact that you are there in g*****
you are there with **** scholar
you can do it, inshaALlah
in a nutshell, i have done almost all, so have i recovered?
tepuk dada, tanya iman.

today, i have go through again all the sms and offline msg that i got from my family and friends.

"ap2 pun don't give up"

"be STRONG
be YOURSELF
vanquish the DOWNCAST feeling
vanquish the NEGATIVE thinking

i am always here for you.

and remember that ALLAH never leaves you.

p/s:saya sayang awak."

"When you carrying a monster load
And you wonder how far you can go
With every step on that road that you take
Allah knows
Allah knows

i know it is hard to do something yg u x minat. but if u already in that path, try hard to succeed in it. mmg berat but try and ask for Allah's help. u need to develop the minat n ikhlaskan hati k. insyallah boleh! :)

n another part of the lyrics:
You see we all have a path to choose
Through the valleys and hills we go
With the ups and the downs, never fret never frown
Allah knows
Allah knows

hidup mmg mcm 2. ad turun naik. so be strong k friends. jgn putus asa. stay strong. i'll b with u guys.
if ad problems just tell me k. i may help u.:)"

"bnykkan berehat, tenangkan minda dan ambillah iktibar.perjalan yang berliku ini tetap harus kita tempuhi, siap sedia utk meneruksan perjuagan, refresh your mind get ready to show your true self, yg kuat lagi semangat, n show others what u r capable of, show to Him that u deserve this fate to be great doc in the future, klu dah ditetapkan anda menjadi doc, maka macam mane skali pon duri dan onak yag ditempuhi, insyaAllah akan jadi doc jugak. so get set n strive for the start, work as hard as u can n pray as hard as u can, coz u re granted with this oppurtunity, jgn sia2kan dan truskan usaha, i truely believ u can do it. seriusly. go n start right now!! do the best u can be!! believed! percayalah pada kemampuan diri! never ever think about quitting k.bangkit semula dan tunjuk kemampuan anda yang sebenar. kerana anda sangat2 mampu, set matlamat baru dan bayankan senyuman kejayaan pd masa depan kelak. remember, i will always pray for u n be there through pain n hardship. always."

"take ur time, rehatkan otak for a while, cari momentum balik, klu rasa stress sngt, try gi salthill then jerit kuat2 kat sane, bg lepas ape yg ad dlm hati, mmg ideally kte kne sabar n tabah with whatever yg dah jadi, tp Allah tau kte manusia mmg lemah n sometime ujian tu Allah bg sbb Allah saje nk dngr kte doa, mohon, bergantung harap kt Dia, klu rajin, try bngn solat hajat, mohon kekuatan from Him, sbb x kire apa sume pon dtg dari Allah kan, even our laughter n cries sume dr Allah"

thanks everyone! but i need more time for myself. thanks for being so understanding.

p.s. interesting fact: i stayed at the library from morning till maghrib.

Friday, February 11, 2011

D.A.D.A.

salam, all.

just learn something new and i'm applying it to my life now.

as a doctor, you should know 4 stages of grief or in other words what will happen to the patients or patients' family members after receiving bad news such as death, no cure, etc.

these are the stages. or it called as DADA

D- Denial
A- Aggression
D- Depression
A- Acceptance

well, this is not my theory. this is what i learn in lectures.,
anyway, in certain hospitals, they have 5 stages- include bargaining. but i don't know much about that.

so lets focus with what we have.

first stage- denial.
when a person heard about the bad news or loss- the person keen to deny what he or she hears/see/etc2
- i bet i'm in that stage now. gee. i start to deny the fact that i'm doing this. hello, i'm writing. argh, forget it, just some monologues.

2nd stage- aggression
aggression means
hostile, injurious, or destructive behavior or outlook especially when caused by frustration
hahah.i'm just laughing. (am i having aggression now?? why am i laughing?? nah, i don't know. maybe yes, maybe no. merepek)
but it is sooo true. some people tend to hurt him/herself. and start to behave weird.


3rd stage-depression
yeah, at this stage, people will be in depress. and start to know that nothing can be done. n he or she will be in stress- doc plays an important role here. there is a high tendency for the patient to commit suicide.

last stage- acceptance
this only applicable to the person who is still alive. hehe. well, after he/she had been through all the hardship, then at last, he/she starts to accept the fact that he/she will die or their family members are going to die or etc2.

so end of the story.
again, this is not my theory. you can goggle it if you don't believe it.
this is how normal human being will handle with loss or negative things.

anyway, this is my main concern.

This is how all Muslims should respond to any lost: rapid progression from denial to acceptance of khada' Allah

yup, that is what i should do.
since i'm in denial stage, i should move fast..


p,s. well, sorry...currently i'm not in the right state of mind, and this is one of the ways to get back my senses....thank god, i'm still alive. n yes, i love myself. (so, what?? nah. i dont know, it is just something inside my mind)

ps.s did u know i have exam which cost 40% of my summer exam next week??
in case if you don't know, let me tell you:
interesting fact: i have exam next week. .

thanks for reading. - kalau ade yang membaca.^_^

Thursday, February 10, 2011

ini bukan jalan yang mudah- aku tidak gagal, aku belum berjaya.

salam, semua.

ini kata-kata hatiku. andai kamu tidak mahu membaca, tidak mengapa. ini hanyalah sekadar luahan hati seorang insan kerdil yang baru mula mengenal dunia.

hari ini, aku baru kenal perkataan "air mata", hari ini juga aku baru kenal perkataan, "kegagalan". dua perkataan yang sentiasa beriringan. sudah lama ditinggalkan oleh aku. kononnya sudah belajar dari kesilapan. namun, aku lupa bahawa Dia berjanji bahawa seorang itu tidak akan beriman selagi masih belum diuji.

dan kini, aku diuji. diuji dengan kegagalan. diuji dengan parah sekali, sehingga jatuh tersungkur. aku tidak mampu lagi untuk pandang ke hadapan. tak mampu jua untuk bangun semula. aku fikir inilah jawapan kepada persoalan aku selama ini. adakah aku layak berada di sini?? inilah jawapan kepada kedegilan aku untuk menerima nikmat yang sudah diberi olehNya.

bersyukur!

mengapa begitu sukar untuk dilakukan?? bersyukur dengna kegagalan itu. bukankah Dia pernah berkata bahawa untungnya orang yang beriman apabila diuji dengan sesuatu, dia bersyukur dan apabila diberi nikmat dia juga bersyukur. tetapi kenapa begitu sukar untuk diri ini bersyukur??

kegagalan.

air mata aku tidak henti-henti. jantung juga makin berdegup kencang. bagai terpanar hyperventilation. atau mungkin tachycardia?? argh, sakitnya jantung ini bagai terpukul myocardial infarction. - bukti aku masih sayang jurusan ini.

bangkitlah wahai diri!

mungkin aku akan berdepan dengan seribu satu humiliation. apakan daya, padan muka. siapa suruh tak belajar? ibu ku selalu berkata bukan berapa jam kita belaja yang kita hendak, tetapi sebanyak mana yang kita ingat dan kualiti masa belajar itu yang kita tuju. aku mula tertanya-tanya, di manakah silapku?? cara belajar mungkin?? keikhlasan?? keseriusan??

fokus!

aku harus lebih fokus! jalan yang dipilih ini bukan mudah! serius! mungkin kegagalan ini bakal menjadi titik perubahan hidup ku. harap ambil pengajaran.ingat! Dia tidak pernah membebani hambaNya. aku sendiri yang membebani diri ini. tidak pernah melihat sejauh mana diri ini mampu pergi.

ayuh!

maafkan aku rakan dan taulan. bukan aku ingin pinggirkan kalian, namun seruan jihad ini yang lebih memerlukan perhatian aku. kegagalan ini bukan sesuatu yang mudah. aku perlu berdepan dengannya. bukan lari sejauh mungkin. <------- tidak mungkin akan berlaku selagi mana aku masih berpijak di bumi yang nyata.

maafkan saya, mami, papa, abg, kakak, adik, sy perlu pergi berjuang. menebus kesalahan yang lalu. ini bukan jalan yang mudah.

aku harus bersedia! kegagalan ini harus aku hadapi.

ya Allah, hanya padaMu aku berharap kekuatan untuk menghadapinya. ini bukan jalan yang mudah. ampunilah dosaku ya Allah. redhakan lah hatiku ini untuk menerima kegagalan ini.

ini belum berakhir.

"aku tidak gagal. aku cuma belum berjaya" yosh! takbir! Allahuakhbar.
kuatkan semangat wahai diri. aku masih menyayangimu, wahai diri.

T_T